Chapter 8



The beginning
Natural medical doctor

The Great Experiences/Ten years of uniterrupted Bliss
A Dream
Vision of the Grail
Explanation/The Trinity
My Inner Woman
To make love and be free…Tantra
The Master
The Ultimate Sutra
Amsterdam, August 1980
Silent Power
Nothing Is/The Cycle

Personal integration: twenty years of trial and error
Jealous Monologues
The Inner Adversary

Kennemerduinen 1990
Japan and Hong Kong
Tribulations/Escape from
the hell of the future
Final tribulations

(“Sermon of the Valley”)
The Descent
The Depth
The Return

Teresa of Avila
A Miracle/PilgrimCare

Looking back
Divine Wrath

Sovereign Living
The 7 Steps


Great Mother Hymn

Being Available
The Green Grass




Looking Back

Looking back on it the main lines of my development become clear to me. For the first two years I lived in paradise, followed by the extremely painful experience of "rejection". In my experience, from one day to the next - immediately after the birth of my brother – I felt no longer loved or seen, I felt totally abandoned, left to my own devices. From that moment on "I had to do it all by myself." My deep inferiority complex – I had become a nobody, by a chronic lack of confirmation - was overcompensated by an ideal vision of myself, to which I clung on to. My life was a major attempt to be somebody. Without realizing it, I became addicted to this self-image. It was deeply painful for me to confess that despite the joyous ten years - which existed in the Non-Being, and after the trial and error of the dark years that followed it - I again was identified, but now with my spiritual self image, my realization, my being a teacher and my ‘impact on the world’. The inflatedness, resulting from the childish inferiority complex, turned out to be the last obstacle on the road to complete surrender. The depletion as a result of running after my Self addiction, however, forced me to my knees time and time again. Now that I finally reconciled with my Non-Being, a miraculous calmness and peace came into me. Now there is nothing that can pull me out of my True Nature. That I may constantly stand with empty hands is my most important prayer.

The realisation of living your entire life under the spell of your own myth, is not a nice discovery. It goes through you, that you ‘threw’ your life away, that many things were all for nothing or worse, fighting phantoms like Don Quixote. The temptation to finally thoroughly clean up "the whole case" is logical. Luckily I took all the time I needed. Unprocessed elements, from the first moment they are integrated, get a function serving the Whole. For example, my vanity - my ambition to always be number one – no longer keep it for myself, but "to submit it to God ", as well as my anger, which - transformed - now serves on the fighting of life-hostile patterns and structures. I am still grateful that I choose for self-acceptance, instead of trying to resolve* my ‘problems’. Luckily I was masochistic enough to ‘remain firmly grounded in my pain’ instead of trying to solve my problems. Because of that I gave myself the space to be conscious, to experience and to integrate them. Bit by bit the parts turned towards the whole again. The freeing yourself of a ‘blockade’ and thus ‘be happier’ has never appealed to me. You can only let go of something if you first accept it.

* See the ‘Universal Way’

Divine Wrath

Unexpectedly, I was granted the Realization of Divine Wrath. The provoking elements being shock, angst and rage. It was shortly after my wife spent three weeks in the hospital (intensive care!) after a serious accident. Through a "cold shock" her lungs were oversaturated with fluids. So she had to be on the machines all the time. It was God-Given luck that she survived. Some months later we were on holiday. We had rented a small house from a friend who knew about MeiMei's background. While sitting in the garden, enjoying the fine weather, we suddenly saw a man behind the hedge - on only two yards distance - in protective clothing, spraying weeds with pesticides. Immediately I got a shock, in a flash seeing MeiMei laying in her hospital bed, fighting for her life. I felt acute danger in every cell of my body, one that involved by whole spiritual-emotional and physical being. Within a split-second my entire system reacted like a tiger mother, defending her baby. I was in a state of Divine Wrath. Although I experienced supernatural Rage, no cell in me had the intentention of attacking my friend. My anger was transcended to a Divine Space, in which everything was timeless and limitless. My whole Being was Rage, truly a special kind of Enlightenment. At the same time the Divine "kept overview" all the timel. Not for a second, the Rage could have damaged my friend. Something "I" was constantly aware of. Hence, no additional fear for getting out of control, at all. Much later I realized that this had been a great gift. Never before, I could have let go anger, without being afraid of hurting somebody. Therefore, I had been always afraid of aggressive confrontations. Through "my" Divine Wrath I know now that transcendence of defensive! rage is possible. I am much less afraid of my own aggression now. Noteworthy to mention is that my friend didn't experience my Rage as hurting him, while his girlfriend, who saw the scene said with sacred awe: "I have never seen you so "angry". There was something very special about it, something I cannot define".

Return to the previous

Deep insight into the cause and the cohesion of suffering was the first condition, the first step on a long road. Without the influence of ‘time’, where everything is being re-chewed ‘time and time again’, it wouldn’t have been possible. Courage was necessary to repeatedly confront that ‘same’ pain, anger and fear to pass through me: the constant feeling awareness, allowing and accepting the "ugly" in myself and learning to love it, to embrace and to acknowledge and finally to confess it ‘before God’, without reservation or hesitation. From the deep despair, ‘that it would never turn out right’ I constantly gave myself back to From-Where-I-Came and (re)discovered the relationship with the Absolute ( that I Am MySelf, which ultimately would reveal itself as the Great Mother*): the prayer, ‘not my will, but Thy Will be done’ and the whisper of Her Name. Continuous I was looking for an answer to my deepest desire to forever be part of the Whole, to be an instrument ‘in Her Hands’.

See: chapter 10

Even more crucial turned out to be the overt recognition of what others had to go through by my fault, without them ever wanting it or asking for it, my harrowing felt regret needed to be expressed to those loved ones who suffered the most by my hands, sharing my compassion, to let them know that I feel what they had felt. The uttering from person to person, sharing of mutual pain and asking for forgiveness was the biggest hurdle for me. The relationship with my mother stood in the center of it. This thing with my mother has been going on for a long time, and how "easy" it was once I sat across from her! How long had I refused to forgive her for all that time - almost my whole life - that she did not want to accept me as I was. The pain that I accumulated because of it, the wounds that were torn open each time again, were simply too great. In my turn I had poisoned the relationship with my powerlessness. For which I asked forgiveness. Tears ran down my face when my mother said that despite everything, she had always loved me. For the first time she acknowledges her short comings to me. Such a love is there between close ones and how you can - without you realizing it – close yourself off to it!

‘Just being-myself’, this kitsch slogan from the me-culture,
understood properly - recognition and appreciation for the ordinary
everyday feelings, emotions and needs – has become very
significant for me

My life’s myth of ‘he who came back’ – a fool, drunken on the Divine, living in the Here and Now, from the ‘Other Shore’ I come to you as someone who brings your inheritance back to you. In my exile I have kept, what you've lost, so you - in spite of your obsession with "happiness" - are still deeply unhappy. I'll bring you what has survived in me, but What is not mine. I was privileged in having kept my Innocence, now I can’t do anything but lead you to the same Innocence, your True Self. I Am Truly Free and can’t bear to watch how you are imprisoned in your self-made hell. It was with intent that I after having had my Divine Decade of Blissfulness that I quite deliberately chose to return to the world of conflict and the transitory, only to know better what you must endure. My guideline to this is the Grail Vision*. It is a gift from the Great Mother. She gave it at the very beginning of my spiritual Journey. As we know it consists out of ‘Striving for Enlightenment, restructuring (integrate) your life and serving the other" symbolized by the St. John’s Wort, the Jewish (Canaanite) Chandelier (the Tree of Life) and the ever outpouring Grail Chalice. Every time when I lost the Way, I found support in the Vision. It time and time again confirmed my destination and direction. Because the Vision was of transcendent character, it was not only intended for me. Everybody may adopt it as guideline.

* The Essence of the Grail: initiation of the man through the woman into the wholeness.

As you know the Grail is linked to the Percival legend. My life is closely intertwined with this. Not only because wise man once had made a prediction about it too me*, but also very practical. My life runs along the same pattern. And in the past I was often nagging about lack of guidance! This ‘heroic’ aspect of my existence should, however, repeatedly be updated. It requires courage, perseverance, confidence and strength. Central is the carrying out of your mission. Therefore it is necessary that you coincide with your destination. This happened to Percival starting with the gift of the Enlightenment (with me it was the Triple Realisation). With one big blow you are put on the right track, engaged in the ‘Divine Plan’. However this is only the beginning. By the Divine Opening, there are countless unprocessed or archetypal types that ‘surface’. You will be confronted with it whether you want it or not. They are symbolized by the countless! of adventures Percival encounters upon his Path. The challenges are really aspects of himself that need to be integrated. After a long period of maturation he then is for the second time invited at the Grail castle (symbol of Enlightenment). Unlike the first time he does not fail to ask about the health condition of the king. Full Enlightenment is synonymous with compassion! Only then can you participate in the Kingdom.

* See chapter ‘My childhood’

Last Struggles

Teresa of Avila, my great spiritual sister, made some VERY pointing remarks. She said, that the initial God-Experience (Enlightenment) is easy, compared to the second one. What does she means by that? Well, in the beginning, either through self-effort or grace everything has an excitement of the New in it. Your whole body-spirit-mind is focussed on one thing only. It creates the right breeding ground for a Great Opening. The "lucky ones" may experience an actual Realization of a few seconds, minutes. In my case a full day! After that I lived for ten years in uninterrupted Bliss. Whether after a few hours or after ten years, one thing is sure: the ego returns. I recognized the importance of it (what not everybody does....), while starting the "Dark Night of the Soul", in which residues of my old self had to become integrated in my New Identity. Since the East considers 1. the personality being an illusion 2. the spiritual Path completed through realizing Enlightenment (which is not true), I searched in vain for inspiring examples. I found it through reading E.Underhill's book "Mysticism", a unique, nay, totally unsurpassed account of the Western (Christian) Mystic Way. It fully confirmed Teresa's experience, describing the stages of the Way in a "logical" sequence. The Path doesn't end with Realization, the latter appears only to be the beginning of it.....In my previous chapters I have given you a detailed account already. What matters here is that through committing yourself with the integration process, which is equal to go into therapy (....), the mind and its functions (temporarily) regain emphasis. You are busy with the content of Space - thoughts, emotions and desires - and less with Space itself. In a way you alienate (somewhat) from your Inner Being. The stronger your ego-parts, your suppressed emotions and (in my case) mind-activities (like writing), which took about 12 years, the distance towards what once was your Divine Nature, can be quite considerable. In order to once again coming closer to it, you have to give up all identifications with the mind. In my - and Teresa's - case the latter proved to be rather stubborn. On the other hand, after so many years of "working on yourself", often without any "progress", you (often by surprise) come to a point of "accomplishment", a deep experience of Wholeness. Very gently the Space re-established itself as the foundation of your Being, thoughts sink down even before they come up. Its omni-presernt Peace has taken away all stress out of your head. From that moment on there is nothing to do anymore. All interest in the mind has evaporated. There is only one (big) longing left: to become re-united with the Divine, to live the rest of your life in Oneness.

Criteria of the Unitive Life
You are (supernatural) Space, including
everything "around you".
Bright, gentle, peaceful Oneness,
connecting the world to a single Whole.
It's unchanging, timeless and limitless.
No ego, no thoughts, no distractions.
Everything - the shrubs and the trees - is new, fresh.
Bliss and beauty have taken possession of you.
"You" feel light, uplifted, not of this world.
while everything is part of You.
Love, compassion!

The second problem that took a rather heavy toll on me was the question, when and how to "show my Original Face" to the world. Should I take the initiative myself or should I wait "for a sign of the Cosmos?" This sometimes grew out to obsessive proportions. Remarkable was, that every time I undertook some action myself, it always ended in "failure". At last I did it it just to be able to drop another illusion. Fortunately the pressure behind the obsession - the desire to be recognized - diminished. I was already "chosen" by the Cosmic Mother*, so why the need to get it from humans, was one of my more candid thoughts. Through it I got more and more convinced that "the Mother" would show me the Way. Supported by a series of dream patterns. Every time I was about to take a wrong decision the Mother send me a dream with a warning: "don't do this". She hardly ever did the opposite: telling me what to do. So, I went back to where it all started. First of all to the Parzival prophesy. More than 40 years later I had to admit that my life was indeed a "fulfillment" of the Grail legend, every reason to be confident in Divine Guidance. Afterwards it is amazing - despite overwhelming Divine Gifts - that my skepticism was so big at times. It certainly protected me from all too quick involvement in worldly affairs. My awareness about the necessity of completing the "Dark Night" first - wholly and thoroughly - certainly played a decisive role also. Time and again I was contemplating my Grails' Vision, offering me great support. It time and again put me on the right track. As you remember, this consisted of St.John's Wort (Enlightenment), the Jewish (Canaanite) Tree of Life (Integration) and the outpouring Chalice (Compassion, Service). For years I had overlooked the transition between stage two and three. Before pouring itself out, the Chalice had a crucial Moment of Oneness with its Dark Background. Only after this split second the pouring started. It emphasized the necessity of continuously returning to the Mother. In fact, it said, that Oneness with the Mother is the pre-condition for being active in the world. "Not me, but the Mother "behind, in and through me". It led to a most joyful conclusion: the only thing "to do" is being One with my (the) Origin. No inner argueing with my ego anymore, no thinking about the right strategy, no planning for the future. It was a test for my trust in the Cosmos. If indeed, "everything comes from the Origin", my only task is not to be in Her Way.

* See chapter 10: "The Great Mother".

Now I am celebrating my own biography. I remember it as if ‘it was yesterday’. Main part of it was that I felt rejected as a child, thus did not ‘belong to here, nowhere feeling at home.’ At that time the pain was so unbearable that I as a two year old ‘retreated from this world’. It would dominate my entire life. I was not at home with my family, not at school, not in this culture, not with my parents and siblings and finally ... not of this world. That it worked predisposing in ‘reaching the Other Shore’, is plausible. Don’t all the teachers say - especially the dualistic type – that in order, to ‘become enlightened’, you must leave everything behind, your past, your biography, your identity, yourself. Well, I have been doing that my whole life. But once you arrived, you have to do exactly the opposite: the adoption of what you ‘had dropped’. If you still do not consciously adopt your biography, it will start dominating you. It is the fate of people who for example share the above spiritual philosophy. After the ‘realization’, just when you thought ‘you reached it’ begins the inevitable confrontation with your past, so that your whole ‘enlightened life’ becomes sour. Because you want to deny this to the outside world - think of all those devout followers that you've gathered through so much effort – it thus becomes concealed. I was - though late – privileged to fully embrace my past. And have thus - with this book, this giving myself openly – done so with great exuberance.

My Triple Return: From the Light, from death and
from my own life myth


Actual compassion doesn’t start with the other, but with yourself. It starts with the painful realisation of one's own alienation and the discovery of your own Wholeness. Alienation as the cut-off experience of your deeper Self and the Divine, your body and nature and the unconscious respectively oppressed parts of your psyche. The more you can allow the pain to be here now and experience it, the more intense the desire for wholeness becomes. The catch here is the idea that you are already ‘very spiritual’ and are therefore ‘free’ of alienation. Usually there is the fear of one’s own shadow - all oppressed, convicted and non-welcomed ‘negative’ qualities and impulses – at the root of it. They are in conflict with the ‘positive’ self-image. There is nothing wrong with ‘yourself’, wrongly called ‘ego’, though. Self-centeredness is a natural function in the service of an individual’s survival. Maintaining yourself and reinforcing is an undeniable aspect of life, something for which we do not have to feel ashamed. If we deny this function, commonly through some (spiritual) philosophy, than we deny ourselves and others. Living in a self created illusionary world, benefits nobody. Denying vital parts of yourself was exactly the cause of the suffering to begin with. Not condemnation, but awareness, acceptance and integration is the answer.

I love myself (my ‘ego’). If I include my ‘ego’, its properties will serve me. Furthermore, then I see, that I am not my ‘ego’. If I say: "I love my ego" (self-centeredness, unconscious identification with thoughts, perceptions, desires) I'm here and my ‘ego’ is ‘there’. I am the person that can lovingly embrace my ‘ego’. (Simply do this as an exercise for a while. With every emotion that arises imagine that you embrace the emotion lovingly as if it ‘were your child’).The ‘ego’ will find this ‘wonderful’; it will therefore do everything to remain assured of my love. Through love it transforms itself spontaneously: it thus becomes my servant. From that moment on it no longer dominates me. That the ‘ego’ controlled me was the only problem by the way. All properties that led a separated and single (minded) life, now establish meaningful relationships with each other, everything in the loving context of my True Self. It is so easy to understand. If you cannot even embrace neglected and denied parts of yourself (‘your inner stepchildren’), how are you able to accept other people and love them? By loving your ego, you also discover that which loves ‘the One who is behind it’ - I - this dimension where love comes from, you conscious feeling awareness, your True Self. By embracing you discover your own Essence. It is one of the most intense and emotional moments: you discover that deeply in yourSelf you are Love. Being-yourSelf is Unity, that’s what it boils down to in life.

Personally, it had taken my entire life to become aware of my fear of the world and to integrate it. It is perhaps my most fundamental transformation: from people despiser to a friend of (wo)men, from ‘a Zarathustra to a Jesus’. How often had I already realised this, until I could see it with my Heart. In its utter most consequences feeling it through and living it through, only then it really becomes a part of you. So much so, that it creates physical responses. With a deep sigh, the disappearing of a fog in my head and intense cramps in my abdomen, which then dissolved, my Heart was liberated. Perhaps the suggestion of a dear friend had done preparatory work. She advised me to daily repeat ‘they love me’ to myself. Indeed, that people would love me couldn’t be accepted for almost an entire life. Only after I really believed this I could also love them. I then realized my lifelong aversion towards dirt, decay and disease. Was it therefore also the reason why I had become a doctor in Natural Medicine? Health promotion because of the aversion towards illness, of lack and decay, pus and blood (of others)? Yes, at least in part. For a moment I still felt resistance. I did not want to go here at all! But I could not stop it. This was my truth: the Way had led me to where I already was, but now with all of my heart. For the first time in my life (...) I could really lend a hand to my fellow man. Being able to loving touch a disease had cured me.

love is
the celebration of the unity
that is already there


first assess
the most important
see that it is identical with conscious presence
put into practice it is the same as loving attention
which brings forth intuitively knowing
that requires correct action
with which we first manage our direct affairs
in continuous conscious presence
most importantly not forgetting any moment
being freed by the inner and outer order
available in love for each other
by expressing the intuitive knowing
finding the power to act correctly
a joint action
for things that concern all of us
led by the most important
in continuous conscious presence

“f you want to build a ship, do not drum up people to collect wood and do not assign
them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea.”

Antoine De Saint-Exupery. French aviator and writer, author of 'The Little Prince', 1900-1944


From the first moment you are aware, an entire new world opens itself for you. Observing something without the intervention of thoughts, emotions and desires lifts you above daily functioning. The brightness is reflected in the ‘object’, regardless of what it is. Before you were still dominated by your sympathies and antipathies (consequences of your past / you conditionings). Now you suddenly see the world with an entirely different view. The awareness has added a value to everything. You see everything as for the first time. Through your direct perception everything is renewed, instead of you having to be renewed by your surroundings. So it does not really matter what you see, everything is just as fresh, without exception.

Especially if you in your process have attained a conscious feeling connection with the body, a new dimension opens itself to you. Through body awareness contact with everything around you is established. Extension of body awareness and inner space go hand in hand. Does the feeling awareness expand further, then the chair, the table, the floor, the vase with flowers and the cat at a given moment become aspects of your extended Space. The former become the contents of your True Self. Perhaps for the first time in your life, you see (and feel) the beauty of all those little things around you: the grass, flowers, bees, the smells in the woods, the clouds .... and the silence.

“Does something enter your ‘own’ Space, you love it as yourself”

Because the Path goes via the body, the latter gets a whole new appreciation. ‘Looking and feeling’ brings you into contact with the subtle energies of the body. It brings you joy, pleasure and happiness. Suddenly, all kinds of unknown dimensions open before you. In sitting, walking, cycling and dancing for example. You will appreciate your body for its subtlety, grace, strength or stability, all this with positive feedback on your self-awareness e.g. confidence. ‘Suddenly’ you dare to dress in the manner that suits you best - my father had a company in ladies clothing, so I personally love beautiful clothes - your perception of love, eroticism and sex will undergo a deep fundamental transformation etc. etc.........

Once you are ‘caught’ by the Ultimate, then beauty can also be an expression of your Being. The ‘Beauty from Inside Out’ is expanding to such a level, that you can experience the (strong) urge, to bring everything in your life into alignment with it. Not only your movements and your clothes - I myself have an affinity for poncho's and ‘medieval’ clothing, for example - but also how your room, your house or your office is furnished. Unbelievable really, how most Christian monasteries are as damp and boring as they are. A entire community 24 hours a day focussing on "God" without (beauty) impact on the immediate vicinity. Unbelievable! That makes me sad personally. On some level they still haven’t understood it.

* I am grateful that I found the poetry - without the pretence of being ‘literary’ - as a means to express my experiences of Beauty. See: Omniverses


1999 Copyright by Han M. Stiekema. All rights reserved.
Last update:08/13/13