Chapter 10



The beginning
Natural medical doctor

The Great Experiences/Ten years of uniterrupted Bliss
A Dream
Vision of the Grail
Explanation/The Trinity
My Inner Woman
To make love and be free…Tantra
The Master
The Ultimate Sutra
Amsterdam, August 1980
Silent Power
Nothing Is/The Cycle

Personal integration: twenty years of trial and error
Jealous Monologues
The Inner Adversary

Kennemerduinen 1990
Japan and Hong Kong
Tribulations/Escape from
the hell of the future
Final tribulations

(“Sermon of the Valley”)
The Descent
The Depth
The Return

Teresa of Avila
A Miracle/PilgrimCare

Looking back
Divine Wrath

Sovereign Living
The 7 Steps


Great Mother Hymn

Being Available
The Green Grass






At this point I feel that I must make a confession. Besides all the blessings of evolving wholeness, there was a problem that continued to haunt me. Despite (or because of) the enlightened state, there was very little ‘religious feeling’. You do not have to turn to the Divine when in Essence you ... Are It. So I didn’t miss it. However, the support from my Being was often very thin, the feeling of being abandoned far too often overshadowed, so much so, that I had the feeling of being to the whims of circumstance. Walking around in the ‘wasteland’ with ‘my Enlightenment under my belt’ it did not always bring me what ‘I expected it to’. The risk arose of identifying myself with my ‘inner Attainment’. It gave cause to constant inner struggle. Especially in times of ‘separateness’, of fatigue, excessive thinking or no resonance with my surroundings, it arose. Here the saying applies: "if you are not it, then you work towards mastering it’. The temptation then is simply great to start boasting about it. After all, you know that you encompass the entire universe. Not with your intellect, but by the Ultimate Realisation ItSelf. This awareness is continuously there. Increasingly, the fearful vision of an endless struggle arose in me, thus wondering whether this would continue until end.


On the other hand, I increasingly couldn't imagine, that it is the intention of the Divine, to give one so much on the one hand and then manoeuvre someone on a dead-end road on the other. Slowly it began to dawn on me, that Enlightenment could not be Ultimate. At a certain moment I was convinced that there was something missing in my ‘worldview’. So I started the quest for the Truth again. From my ‘own’ Realisation I knew that existence is bottomless. First, there is the Self, then the Self solves in Satori, then Satori dissolves in the Great All-Embracing Enlightenment. The latter in Its Ultimate stage is so transparent, that it doesn’t hold ‘any more substance’. The result is that ‘there is nothing’ between ‘You’ and the world. A world where the tree again is just a tree and the mountain again is just a mountain. Yet this is not the last step, because there is still a physical death. Logically then the Transparency solves into something ‘which is Beyond’. Suddenly I realized it. In the time of my Great Experiences I was particularly impressed by the Light. What I had forgotten though is, that my breakthrough had begun with the Cosmic Lightning: a Moment of Total Erasure. Only after that was I included in the Eternal Light. There was thus an order to the process: first Absolute Nothingness, then the Light. Conclusion: the Light originates from Nothingness, the Cosmic Vacuum. By realising this everything fell into place.

The "Dark Night of the Soul" confirmed this again. After having vacated for ten years on the pole of bliss, the pendulum moved suddenly to the opposite side. Enlightenment appeared to have a counterpart. Ergo makes up this part of a two-unit: the fascinosum and the tremendum*. The Divine is both positive and negative. Therefore, suffering has such a great significance. The darkness is light enough to me ‘says John of the Cross’. Unlike almost all (patriarchal) doctrines, it appears that Enlightenment is not the Ultimate. Behind the dual experience must still be ‘something else’. This is confirmed not only by my Threefold Realisation - the Unity of Darkness and Light - but also by the logical mind. A pendulum can only move from one pole to the other, thanks to being attached to the clock. There is still a third factor in play, which makes the movement between the other two possible, an essential factor, indeed. One that is a dimension "higher" than the others, or otherwise expressed: there is still a Realm beyond Enlightenment and Darkness. Something in which the latter two have their True Home: a Vacuum or Cosmic Womb. Only Absolute Emptiness can include everything.

You can compare it with a house; the furniture in the room exists by the grace of the surrounding space. In the same way the Ultimate Void gives birth to the Divine and the universe, while the latter continuously return into ‘Her’. So there are two permanent cosmic forces: that of manifestation and that of returning to the Source. There are constantly turning points arising. If you are in a state of Enlightened Wholeness for a time, then it will sooner or later swing to meet his opposite. You will then temporarily ‘thrown back onto yourself’. From a spiritual standpoint ‘the Mother thus gives you the opportunity to face your self-centeredness and unprocessed parts’ with the aim of still integrating them into your New Identity.

* Otto R. ‘Das Heilige’ (translates into "The Sacred").

If existence is indeed bottomless, then the Vacuum is the Ultimate Bottomlessness! An incredible relief went through my whole Being. This was what I had sought after. I had found my True Home. God did not create the world out of nothing, but Nothingness gives continuous birth to ‘God’ and the world. Immediately I saw the entire picture unfolded before my eyes. Religion, history, mythology and even the natural sciences confirmed the existence of the Vacuum. It can be led back to the pre-historic Age when the Ultimate was experienced as the Cosmic Womb, from which everything arises and to which everything returns. The great civilizations - from Mesopotamia, Egypt, India and China - all worshiped the Great Mother as the beginning of time, just like all the various creation myths of indigenous peoples. In fact, there can be found ‘remnants’ in all existing religions, pointing in the direction of a process in which the Mother Origin was sooner or later replaced by patriarchal Gods. In recent decades the Mother has been preparing carefully for Her Return. Then She pulled away Her veil and showed Her True Identity! What a miracle, grace and joy. It means nothing less than the beginning of a New Era. For me personally, this was the deliverance from my identification with the Light. The danger of falling back into old patterns was forever gone. Moreover, I found the final essence of life, consisting of surrendering, devotion and worship. Unlike the Light the Vacuum cannot be reached, attained, possessed or realized.

She is the Void behind the Void, the ungraspable Ultimate Dimension. I then rediscovered the feeling of genuine religiosity, awe and veneration, once again, something that had been absent for so long. I even began to pray to the Mother, spontaneously kneeling down, something that was even unthinkable to me a short while before. And the miracle is this: Always whenever I come to a crossroads, in which I think I have to make a decision, the Mother gives me a direction or advice through my dreams, with a clarity and strength that it’s hard not to understand. While I (as I felt it) never has had a real earthly mother, I instead found my Heavenly Mother. Hence my teachings - awakening, personal integration, the unity with ‘Heaven, earth and the community’ and the breakthrough of the Light - now culminates in finding refuge in the Great Mother. In order to survive, humanity has no other choice but obeying Her Law of the universe - dying (of the old) and being reborn - to eventually becoming part of the web of life (once again). After considerable hesitation - of about 33 years! - I accepted my mission: to guide people to return Home, to the Great Mother, the Source of uninterrupted Regeneration! Knowing my lineage I took on my new name: Servant/Messenger ( ‘Sermes’) of the Great Mother.

“I embody the tradition of the Great Mother with
Her dying and resurrecting Son/Lover”

Some people suspect me to be arrogant. Calling yourself "Sermes" is rather audacious, they say. I can honestly say that the opposite is true. These people don't realize the full impact of the Revelation that was granted to me. That's why it took 33 years.... or so, before I came to the open. During that time I have done everything to sabotage my (future) Mission*. I felt, this was driving me into the corner of "religion", the last thing which I wanted to be identified with. Many years I have struggled with my calling. Thus the opposite was (is) true. During my whole life I have been hiding for my True Self. A deep fear was behind it. Through showing who you really are, you are vulnerable, with no defense against attacks of all kinds, so was my thinking. To overcome this obstacle took decades. With every new realization of the unavoidability of my public role, the fear went high again. At last I became rather desperate, because functioning on a lower level than my actual one, created more and more frustration. Periods of depression were unavoidable. It is only very recently, that I have come to a full realization of the responsibility I have towards the Cosmic Mother. The Mother is the Supreme Realm of the universe. She hasn't revealed Herself to me just for nothing. I have entered the last stage on the spiritual Path: that of total Oneness with the Ultimate. Pre-requisite is a inner transparency in order to not hindering the Mother to manifest Herself. This certainly is a challenge. For every day, there are things from within and without to overcome (integrate). My final discovery: through being One (with Her) my sharing is optimal; through sharing my Oneness is optimal. Not like I sometimes tend to think: first this and then that. It is also not a matter (anymore) of "should I" or "should I not", but a sacred obligation to give Her all the credits She - due to Her Supreme Position - inherits. So, I have come to the open now. You may watch my website, especially the opening pages, where it is all written down. You may join me in my permanent teaching, healing and training.  In this chapter I have omitted "my adventures" of the previous decade with Her. This has to do with a little problem. As I am busy with another book, entirely dedicated to the Cosmic Mother, I am considering to put that piece in there. 

* If my ego would have been behind this all, then I would have started my "guru-career" a lot earlier, don't you think so?


"In the beginning of my career (1972) I hardly had any understanding of "spirituality". On the contrary, after religion was forced upon me as a child, I resolutely rejected everything related to it. 

Soon after You sent a wise man to me with Your prophecy about my future mission (1972), consisting of the Parzival Legend as the underlying dynamism ("archetype") of my entire spiritual life.

I was a little giggly about it, since this came to me as from another world. Hence, I didn't pay any attention to it at all. Shortly after the "incident" was forgotten.

In the mean time, You granted me extra-ordinary talents as a (holistic) medical doctor, to the benefit of many. The energy You granted me was well spent. With ceaseless enthousiasm I devoted myself to natural medicine.

In my personal relationship a lot had to be learned though. This was proportional to all that "I had to endure", which wasn't little. After having reached rock bottom You came to rescue me.

As a consolation You sent me a dream in which it was guaranteed, that I would certainly arrive in the Light, anyway with the obligation to subsequently become fertile.

Not that I experienced this as an "instruction from above". At that time I had no idea at all, that You or whoever was behind it. Only now - in retrospect - I realize that I as a part was directed by the Whole.

You helped me in taking a new step in awareness by sending me Karl Graf Dürckheim on my Path, who taught me the way of awakening (Zen) e.g. the discovering of my true Self (Satori).

After that - while I was taking a rest in between the consultation hours - You showed me Your Grail Vision (1974), something that deeply moved me. The meaning: "Awaken!, restructure your life and serve others" would become the guideline for the rest of my life.

Only realizing much later that it contained Your Message to the world (1974), after some time being followed - also without any doing on my part - by Your instructions to writing the Ultimate Sutra (1977).

Next, thanks to Your unimaginable Grace - and facilitated by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh - suddenly and totally unexpected You granted me the unique Threefold Cosmic Realization, consisting of destruction of my entire existence ("Absolute Nothingness"), immediately followed by dissolution into Your Eternal Light Body ("Full Enlightenment"), together with descending into the Underworld, which is Your Destruction Body ("Great Death") (1977).

As if this wasn't enough, You granted me ten years of uninterrupted Bliss (1977-1987), again with Great Experiences and a carefree life - living in the Eternal Moment (as a "lily in the field") - in which I was wandering around as "God's fool".

This innocence was put to an end though. As had been predicted by the Vision You then have let me suffer tremendously for many years (1987-2010), in which I had to integrate the suppressed parts of my old self into the New Identity.

It was a time in which I was simultaneously painfully confronted by "the world", a period in which, again by Your limitless Blessings, I was also able to write down the stages of the spiritual Path (The Universal Way), not to mention all other writings (The Great Learning) for which You gave me inspiration. Thanks to You my teachings have become universal.

You know my vanities and my need for recognition already before I was confronted by them. It consisted(s) of the temptation of using Your gifts for my own purposes. Because You knew how weak I was to this, You let me enter into this struggle entirely by myself.

To use Enlightenment for your own purposes is the greatest temptation a human being can become confronted with. I was blessed, that I was always keenly aware of the true nature of this struggle. Only after I was put with my back against the wall, You held out a hand to me.

It consisted of revealing YourSelf - Cosmic Vacuum e.g. Emptiness beyond Emptiness - to me as the Dimension beyond the Divine. Through this insight I understood, that Enlightenment is not the Ultimate...through which the obsession was dropped.

Contrary to the Light you cannot realize, possess or attain the Vacuum. You may only entrust, surrender or devote yourself to It. That's why not Self-realization, but devotion is the highest stage in spirituality. Praise the Mother!

I originate from Her ("Son") while continuously returning ("Lover"). This is the greatest thinkable gift e.g. the ultimate joy. It is what I Really Am. Hence, I proudly bear the name Solo ("Son/Lover").*

* Solo is existential; Sermes is functional. The general name for people in the Great Mother tradition is "Mother-Worshipper" ("MoWo") or "Original". The latter because they are relating themselves to the True Origin.

As if this wasn't enough, You sent Teresa of Avila ("Magistra Universalis")* to me "to take care of me" (joke). You granted me her as my spiritual sister, a gift for which I am immensely grateful. With unflagging zeal she teaches me what is most difficult to me: surrender.

* I am grateful to all those, who inspired me on my spiritual Path, in particular also Shinran Shonin and Jodo-Shinshu Buddhism, because of their emphasis on "Other Power".

Most of all, I am grateful to Sri Ramakrishna because of his life of devotion to the Mother. His Being is my Being (and all other Being....). His example resonates with my deepest longing and gives me the courage to make the last step in my life: a life of utter surrender to the Great Mother.

I am happy - in an earlier phase of my life - to have written down all "my great ideas". At least I have fullfilled my obligations toward society. The reality of everyday life is namely, that I - despite myself - become smaller all the time and my aims accordingly. "Not my will, but Thy Will will be done".

The fact that the worries (for tomorrow) are dropped, is a good sign. That I needed such a detour is giving cause to great humility - which says everything about my obstinate character - in order to eventually end up with simplicity.

Beside it You are confronting me again and again with my greatest weakness: the desire for recognition. In no uncertain terms You make me clear, that self-centeredness and love are excluding each other. O, what a regret and remorse. Will I ever learn?

Until you created an environment (three months stay in Santa Monica, CA), in which you were guiding me in an amazing way toward complete inner integration, while preparing the next step in life. Re-connecting my life to the archetypical masculine (The Green Man), while committing myself to the crisis mankind is in ("Healing the Planet in 10 Steps"), resulting in regaining my original strength, while confirming my mission.

Finally, again after suffering and struggle, I became aware of the fact, that You understand me far better than I do myself. That "I don't have to do it myself anymore". From that moment on I started to give everything out of hands, trusting that You will take care of it. Ever since - after 70 years - true peace has taken possesssion of me.

What a luck that You make me continuously aware of the fact that only a life of surrender to You, in which I will never cease to praise, to honor and to thank You for all the exceptional Blessings, bestowed by You upon me, is the only and ultimate fulfillment".

The last stage has only just begun. Through the Grail Chalice the Mother showed me the ultimate purpose of life: to unconditionally giving myself e.g. loving all "living and non-living beings". On this Path I am still a beginner and will always be. I always look at the Mother: how She is pouring HerSelf out.

Humility and joy are two sides of the same coin.  

By the Grace of the Great Mother, the All-Embracing Cosmic Womb, Queen of Heaven, Mother of God.

Om Svahá
(Most Blissful Cosmic Womb)
Still to be corrected

when I kneel
full of ballast
every time again stacked up
and I realize ....
than in the same Moment
I in return

away from myself
I sit without
something I can offer
in Your Space

I know this is
Space in Space
clear presence
nothing more to be desired
leaving it
to You
when not I myself
but You break me open
Space screams
of Heavenly Joy
I cannot
get enough of You

The Mother is
the Ultimate Infinity
you can do nothing
in order to achieve That
She won’t be caught by
your ambitions

however if you let yourself
fall with your eyes open
into Her unfathomable all-encompassing
you will time and time
be born again


© 1999 Copyright by Han M. Stiekema. All rights reserved.
Last update:07/25/13