My Great Experiences
The Threefold Cosmic Realization
"Twice Mothered (Dimeter) and Thrice Born (Trigonos)"........

My Youth

I have been born into the world in 1942 with the help of a cesarean. The first two years were paradise to me. As the eldest son I enjoyed my parents' unlimited love. War circumstances darkened my life. I mourned over my lost happiness. Hence, I turned within and very early became "a boy with a special depth", something that contributed to the development of my character: inner life, a highly developed feeling ability, sense for justice, admiration for heroism and adventure, great love for nature and compassion to others. My mother put considerable pressure on "religiosity". I very soon realized its superficiality, though, made me say goodby to Christianity at the age of 13. The most important thing, however, was the sense of an "inner treasure". Something in me was "bigger than myself" and I had to protect this. Later, so I knew, this would become the foundation of a life mission.

The first step: Zen

His Meditation Experiences

After a long atheist period and under pressure of a (very) problematic marriage - after university I had become a MD, a pioneer in holistic medicine - I got the advice to travel to Karlfried Graf Dürckheim (German Zen Master) in order "to learn sitting". This to recover from my burn-out. From the very beginning Zazen had a wonderful effect on me. After a few days I had found my inner watching, which liberated me from my thinking. I was "here" and my thoughts were "there", in front of me. It was the first step toward a New Identity: my True Self. Very soon there were moments without any thoughts whatsoever, with only a clear empty awareness left. My first Satori gave me insight into what's beyond the common mind. Two important steps on the spiritual Path were already behind me: the discovery of my Real Self together with the free flowing of my thinking. In the years after I sat every day half an hour up to five times a day. The empty thought-free moments increased steadily

The Prophecy

Believe it or not. It all started with a wise old man, who came to my consultation hour. Instead of asking help, he said he came to bring me an important message. In short, what he said was nothing less, than that my life would fulfil the centuries' old Parcival prophecy, leaving me behind in total disbelief*. See: "Autobiography"

* NB. Critical readers will suspect, that above mentioned believes to be a "re-incarnation of Parcival". We can assure you, that this never has come to his mind. In fact, his insights about "re-incarnation" are different, emphasizing Emptiness containing many forms....and not just one. 

A Dream

In the beginning I had a dream. It was the dream that made a very deep impression on me. I was driving in the car somewhere in the countryside. At the first crossing it was actually quite clear to me in which direction I should proceed. A voice inside of me, however, said: "come on, there is no rush, you can still go that way, why not take a right turn?" I was weak and gave in. After some time the same situation occurred. Once again there was the deep sense of which way to go and again I simply brushed it aside. In the end I had lost all sense of the right direction.

At that instant I happened to enter the market place of a small town. It was medieval with cobblestone streets and gabled house fronts surrounding it. The market place formed a tight circle with not a single street leading on to it. There was no way out. A feeling of constraint and being hemmed in came over me and I went in search of an exit.

On my far left I soon discovered a dark concave shape which, on closer look, turned out to be a dark tunnel. On the right side of the entrance stood a man dressed like a jester with a fool’s cap on his head and a cane in his hand. In spite of a feeling of uneasiness I carefully drove past him and entered the tunnel. It was gloomy and dark in there with just enough light to see where I was going.

A shape suddenly loomed up on the left and I slowed down so as to see who it was and avoid driving into it. It was a woman passing my car from the opposite side, which she just managed to do because of the little space available between herself and my car. The last glimpse of her told me that she was pregnant.

As I drove on, a pinpoint of light became visible in the distance, which grew larger and larger as I approached. A profound feeling of relief came over me coupled with a deep sense of joy. All tension now left me. I knew without a doubt that I would arrive at this light.

It was not long before a gate of dear light came into view. I was filled with intense joy. A moment later I passed through the arch and entered a golden field of waving cereal, which seemed to be limitless. Above it, as the source of all the light and gold, shone a brilliant sun. The wealth that met my eyes was indescribable. It was a state of unbelievable beauty, surprise, enchantment and joy. Even more so, because I sensed myself a part of it all. It was as if I, too, had changed into light and gold. I had reached my homeland.

Vision of the Grail

St.John's Wort, Menorha, Chalice

Because of the length of the page, I have put this text elswhere. Please, click "Vision of the Grail"

My Woman Within

It was during an exercise, that I most profoundly experienced my femininity. While deeply breathing, a primal energy slowly took charge of my body. Each and every cell became filled with a deep erotic force. Everything was held in it, nothing left behind. An unbelievable fullness came over me, a fullness that bit by bit spread through me. It was most noticeable in the nipples and groins. My breasts were suffused with profound delight – an inexhaustible source of love - and an intense rush of warmth flew to all directions. My loving heart had opened completely: I nurtured the entire universe. There was no end to the intensity of erotic delight.

At the same time my groins became imbued in the same primal energy, an energy that made my pelvis move slowly and ever so subtly. The energy came from within; never before had I felt my genital area more profoundly and with such intense bliss. I felt every fiber, every stage of movement. It was a movement through which I experienced myself as having a glorious vulva. I had never been more open! It was the bliss of an entirely receptive submission, a force that entered me and subsequently spread upward filling me with boundless energy. I had become part of a cosmic rhythm. And yet I was in no way overwhelmed by it. In quiet ecstasy I remained perfectly clear and in open contact with my surroundings. I was able to very consciously experience everything in the here and now. Nevertheless, the energy had completely taken possession of me without any additional action on my part whatsoever.

I was very much aware of the fact that this was primal femininity. The deepest possible erotic feminine energy had opened up in me and had become an actuality. I therefore know that apart from my masculinity I am completely feminine as well, and that I am able to experience it more profoundly than a great many women may ever have. And what’s more, it was in no way related to my manhood. No male energy had caused it, no male fantasy or male erotic reaction had been involved. It all came forth of itself, of the deep origin of the Self. Hence, on a higher energy level every man is completely feminine and vice versa. Truly a miracle.

The Supreme Tantra

Tantra isn't "the path towards ecstasy". It isn't like many trendy brochures, courses and trainings would like you to believe. Rather than having your energy raised, it is the complete opposite of it. A long time ago the following happened. Totally unexpected and unforeseen. In some way or other I was very open, relaxed and clear. She who was with me seemed to be in a similar state. A joint experiencing of inner quietude, a great deal of attention for one another and a great intensity. In each other and with minimal movements the excitement increased, the state of relaxation only deepened and deepened and like a river the emotion ran into an ocean of peace, continuously expanding it further. The more excited I was the more transparent the inner Space - Consciousness - became. The flow of energy causing an ever deepening inner peace!  Rather than "climbing the mountain", I more and more became a valley. Expansion had replaced the common contraction mechanism. Consciousness was widening until it suddenly turned into a state of ecstatic silence, a Valley of Eternal Calm, an orgasm - implosion - such as I had never experienced before. It was a state of being omnipresent, a Void, one into which I had completely blended and dissolved. A limitless and timeless state of Empty Peaceful Stability - Tantra - which went on for many hours..... No thoughts, no emotions, no me, no desires and no bliss. I had opened up to a paradise, which had been there all along. I was beside myself with joy. Existence had lifted a tip of her veil and had made me a part of her deepest  mystery. Ergo: after having read this I hope you start longing for the Real Tantra!

The Master

It started as I read one of his* books. A few sentences were enough. His words struck me to the depth of my heart, followed by an outburst of joy: this was what I was searching for. This was the one who would reveal the Way, Truth and Life to me. With him I would begin my journey. My inner fire burned everything into ashes. Nobody could stop me. I had to be near to him. So I went to India. There my surrender was total. My love, my greatest love ever, being so intense, that I was lifted up to a totally new inner reality. My inner clarity, which had been trained in the years before in daily meditations expanded to great awareness. In a very short ime the Teacher's presence brought me to the boundaries of the Great Unknown, especially after he had stared "through me" for an "eternity". I realized not to have any resistence. My Being was utterly empty!  Next day, suddenly, the Transcendence! Just One Space in which he as well as I disappeared completely. I am The One Mind containing everything. The Transmission had taken place.

* Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Only Love had brought me to him. I myself being free of every ego-driven motivation. Therefore, "my" Cosmic Realization was received in pure Innocence. I did not identify myself with him either. Neither his words nor his meditations were really important to me. There was no need to become a disciple. So I did NOT become a "sannyasin". After the Threefold Realization I realized the Teacher's shadow part: how he used his Enlightenment to glorify himself. Enlightenment being exploited by his (huge) ego! It caused me trouble to understand how this was possible. Eventually I understood. Even after Enlightenment the ego returns. If you don't actively integrate it into your New Identity, then the ego will start using Enlightenment for its own purposes. I spent around 20 years - a period called in Christian mysticism "Dark Night of the Soul" - in order to make the ego a servant to the Whole. In fact, the Teacher's failure has helped me not to make the same mistake!

Threefold Cosmic Realization
Revelation of the Great Mother

Absolute Nothingness
Essence of the Great Mother

      Total Annihilation

India, October 7th, 1977

It happened in that garden. I found myself in an extraordinary condition, which had been going on already for some days. It was a state of being lifted out above ordinary things. People and events did not have the usual appeal anymore. The pattern of acting and reacting had become irrelevant. Something special was happening to me. I was totally overflowing with it. Thoughts had lost their grip on me.

My body and its environment were very much alive and I was experiencing an extraordinary contact with them. Paralleling a spontaneous growth of increased inner clarity, my body gradually became lighter and more transparent. It first started in the feet. There the energy was cleared away like a blanket of fog, leaving behind a bright transparency. While the pureness rose up, any heaviness simultaneously disappeared out of my body till finally my head was filled with a crystal clear clarity. (Note: all this did not happen in my imagination. This is more real than reality.) A circle of energy remained on the crown of my skull.

This circle appeared to be the centre of my actual alertness. I, as well as my surroundings was perceived from here. However, very little was left of myself. Neither the body nor thoughts were able to influence my inner awareness. It was the very quality of Self, enjoying Itself blissfully. I realized that I had found myself in the margin of my actual existence; just one fraction away from the Great Unknown. Intuitively I realized the invitation to the great leap and the consequential necessity of utter surrender.

Suddenly, I was struck by a terrible (supranatural!) Lightning* and in less than a fraction of a second my existence was wiped out. It was a moment of Absolute Darkness. As my memory has failed to reproduce it - in that Moment there wasn't any memory -  the duration of this terrible moment was unknown to me, so I have no idea how long this extraordinary moment has lasted. But I know it was the Dimension of Absolute Nothingness.

* In esoteric Christianity symbolized by the Archangel Michael.....

Science

This Lightning as a "tool" of Absolute Nothingness is the complete destruction of consciousness by the Vacuum or Cosmic Mother. Because my consciousness was entirely concentrated in/on the crown of the skull, utterly pure with no obstacles of the mind in between, suddenly there was direct contact between the Vacuum and my very dense Being. This ignited the Lightening. Compare the latter with the big bang: an ontogenetic reflection of the phylogenetic Cosmic Event.* For one split second Absolute Vacuum destroyed my whole existence. Very few people "experience" this. That's why the MotherGoddess Isis says "no one will ever raise my veil". That it happened to me can interpreted in such a way, that (wo)mankind is in a very critical stage of evolution. Therefore "the Mother had no choice", but revealing Herself in a direct way. Because (wo)mankind has corrupted God, only the Dimension beyond God can still save us. See also: "Commentary"

* See: "Universal Teaching!"

The Eternal Light
Divine Body of the Great Mother

Dissolved into the Eternal Light

That which immediately followed transcends all attempts of description. A very alive, brightly transparent Clarity appeared to be the Only Reality. I was totally absorbed by and dissolved into this Utmost Purity. I Am That, the Eternal Light. Everything else had disappeared into It. Not a trace of my common self had survived. It was Eternity Itself that realized Itself. The whole "outer" world radiated and was exalted and totally transformed. Everything was pervaded by Divine Bliss and incorporated into a fresh, pure and ecstatic Light. It was unwavering and expressed life in its sublimest quality. Everything was dancing. The Eternity Which I Am is timeless and without boundaries. All was joy, benediction, a celebration of unity, the Inexpressible and the dance. As I was possessed by a divine intoxication, I laughed continuously for no reason.

The Oneness THAT I AM including everything "around me" lasted all day. Everything had lost its separate identity, just like me being non-existent, instead possessing eternal quality: the grass, the flowers and the birds. Nothing existed on its own. Nothing fell apart. Without any exception, everything was part of the Whole, everything interconnected, the fabric of life. Absorbed by the same Suchness, everything radiated THAT! Everything being the content of the Eternal, there was not any difference between me, the grass, the flowers and the birds.Their Essence and mine were absolutely identical. I realized I was no better or even different from them. Since then I have known Reality to be the Essence of the interdependence of all things in which everything is equally unique.

In the Purity of the Beyond everything had disappeared. No memory, since the ego dissolved, just knowing, IT knowing ITself. There is no „outside" anymore, everything has become absorbed - without leaving a trace - by the Ultimate. Everything appears to be IN YOU, the entire universe is the content of („your") Infinite Space. Therefore the paradox is, that by being Nothing, you are everything. Hence, the Ultimate Nondual State is that of inclusiveness. The last delusion is, that the world is somewhere out there (...). Dividing the One into „here" and the world „there" is yet another (subtle) form of dualism. The logic is this: the more "your" Consciousness is open, the more there is in. Hence, I am - and everybody Is - the One Mind, the all-Embracing One containing everything. In the Ultimate State „Emptiness is form", without any dualism left, beyond any attainment, free even from freedom, a State which is natural, transparent, spontaneous, nothing special. Because everything being part of Me, I love everything like myself.

Science

Immediately after my Annihilation I was One with the Eternal Light, the infinite and timeless Dimension, which we call the Divine or God. Its Reality is overwhelming e.g. innumerable times more real than anything "worldly". It is utterly otherworldly, all connection with one's former self together with one's surroundings have disappeared. Its main characteristic is its transparency. The Oneness into one has dissolved, is Omni-present, everywhere, full and empty at the same time. (In Dutch "Vol-Ledigheid"). This being lifted above all and everything causes heavenly joy. Somehow "one" realizes "this is my (eternal) Home". Actually there is no "me" to realize anything. So, what "one percieves" is perceived by the inherent intelligence of the Cosmos. You are THAT. This "impersonal", transcendental Dimension in its turn is including everything. The whole world is content of its infinite Space. Translated to physics, it means, that the first Dimension emanating out of the Cosmic Vacuum (see above) is the invisible Divine Light. This Light is the birth chamber of the universe. It is very well possible that its first expression is the so-called virtual Higgs Field. It could be the explanation for its rare! stability. The Higgs Field in its turn "gives birth" to virtual waves, subsequently turning into virtual particles and matter.

being embedded gives
unprecedented and incredible ecstasy
lifted up in a totally
different World I am no more
dissolved in That

everything is part of
the selfsame Divine Fluidum
there are no walls
between all-that-is
life exists in absolute
waterproof security

2.
suddenly I was crushed
I See
with limitless awe
the dance of Light is everywhere
imbued in superworldly Revelation
in It
earth, flowers, people, things
everything bathes in clear-bright ecstasy
joy and tears

I now know that It continuously Is
resting in Itself It is waiting for me
any moment it can happen again

3.
It spoke to me with
the voice of its Silence
I tasted the fluidum of
Its nectar-sweet Power
with Its touch it woke me up
with its Light Rain
It anointed my "skin"

poured out in jelly of nectar
dissolved into solidified sweetness
movement in limitless rest
bliss out of Nothingness
tasting without tongue
enjoying without tasting
inexpressible Condition

4.
in the silent lust of knowing
awe is limitless
I have become an Ocean
the entire universe imbued in
Divine Oil
nectar super-natural sweet
I am the Beyond
the Light I Am

5.
as a divine puppet
dissolved in Oneness
a transparent and enlightened Nothingness
everything is in IT
I am a worm with the worms
a bird with the birds
plant with the plants

empty of everything known
full of inexpressible
Total Otherness
cosmic dance is dancing me
inescapable coercion
prisoner of Eternity
coagulated in fluidum of pure Jelly
blended into Unity

6.
you are not special or by yourself
you are given
It is given to you like everything else
is given
there is nothing outside of what is given

That same night
Descent into the Underworld
Destruction Body of the Great Mother

       Ocean of Horror

The night after I suddenly woke up. Within a split second I was thrown into a Dark Ocean of Limitless Horror. The very immediate, direct and timeless anguish was both within and around me. At the selfsame moment the body was "decomposing". My "aura", emotions, feelings and thoughts had all disappeared, together with my sense of identity. Moreover, a terrible smell of decay penetrated me, together with a flash in which worms were consuming my body. Deep within, there were waves of deepest ice-cold electricity. My old self - bodymind - had completely gone.

Usually, fear is "within" you. This, however, was totally different. The Horror was a Sea, in which everything of myself has disappeared. The only thing left in this horrifying dark Suchness was my inner clarity, my awareness. In the midst of this very real and hyperactive black ocean, my awareness was also on the verge of dissolving, though. Keeping my alertness was a terrible struggle, while terror and desperation continuously overwhelmed me. It was a matter of life and death.

Keeping up this acute awareness lasted for many hours, as I could not afford one moment of weakness. Although my body (body-identity) was gone, I could only survive through sitting in a vertical zazen position*... I had to sit accurate within a millimeter. The slightest deviation immediately brought me in acute danger of dissolving. Slowly, as the intensity of the terror increased, so my alertness strengthened. Spurred on by the agony of the terror, my awareness was forced to become as intense, timeless and limitless as the black Suchness around me. Consequently my awareness grew gradually and eventually became an ocean as well. From that moment on, the terror slowly weakened and finally disappeared.

* Proof of the correctness of Zen-Philosophy. Upright body position proves to be crucial for optimizing awareness.

Dawn arrived as I looked out of the window. For the first time I realized how long the ordeal had lasted. I also realized that this was the ultimate (spiritual) dying process. I had suffered The Great Darkness ("Death"). It is the underworld in which the hero descends in order to become reborn. Yes, it was really true, that I am a "son/lover" according to the archaic tradition*, and a "delog" (the ones who suffered "The Great Death") according to the Tibetans. The true meaning of the „resurrection" has been revealed to me. I was exhausted, but very calm and clear. I felt great benediction and I went out full of gratefulness and enjoyed the early brightness of that wonderful morning. As a Reborn I returned to the world.

* Son/lover of the Great Mother of Sumer and Babylon, later followed by initiation rites of hellenistic religions. Subsequently reshaped by Christianity.

Science

But it did not end with Absolute Nothingness and subsequent Full Enlightenment. What I experienced that night was the third main part of Cosmic Realization. Like the previous Realizations everything started in a split second. Suddenly I found myself in an Ocean of Angst. It was all around me. Its main characteristics: it was dark and very threatening, because it sucked me in. Just like a Black Hole. I couldn't prevent it from taking my whole body-mind, the latter disappearing into the vast Darkness around me. So my whole sense of thinking, feeling, body-awareness had dropped off. There was one flash of realization: if my inner clarity e.g. my awareness e.g. observer also would go, then I would die or become mad. Intuitively, I kneeled down on the floor in Zen-position. Through keeping my upright position, I managed to stay aware. Although, with the slightest deviation I got acute panic to disappear altogether. The parallel with physics is this. The Cosmic Womb (Vacuum) has two Cosmic Forces (Dimensions), one is born out "centrifugal", the other returning to Her ("centripetal"). It corresponds with the old notion of Creation and Destruction. That's why I "had" to still experience the last, "in order to make Cosmic Realization complete". It means, that the universe is ruled by Absolute Nothingness, and Her two opposite, complementary, parallel running and symmetrical Dimensions. Because I am part of the universe, the same forces ruling the Whole are also ruling me (you, everything). Inner is outer and vice versa. Therefore, spirituality and science are "two sides of the same coin". For more, see "The Supreme Design"

"Threefold Cosmic Realization": The Unity of Absolute Nothingness, Full Enlightenment and Descent into Underworld

Ten years of uninterrupted Bliss
1977-1987

Shouts of praise originated from a bottomless-deep silence. I continuously celebrated Eternity which I Am mySelf. I knew - not with my mind, but through my Essence - that I was granted the highest-possible Realisation. Furthermore: I was totally carefree. It was the beginning of ten years living like the "birds in the sky". Everything was embedded in just ONE timeless and limitless Moment. So full of joy, that I hardly cared about my daily life. I wasn't able to, because my ego-abilities, so important in order to "survive", had totally disappeared. I hadn't any drive to "do something for myself", for I didn't have the abilities, i.e. no ego that "could have done something". On the other hand my Big Self enjoyed life to the fullest. In particular I spend a lot "of time" in nature, wrote spiritual poetry and often didn't have a home. ""Knowing, wanting and having" (Meister Eckhart) didn't play a role in these times. I was like a child, full of innocence and astonishment, taking life as it is.

Moments of deep insight made clear to me how fundamental my Great Experiences were. Through Zen I touched the limits of my True Self - my Essence. Through the Lightning (see above) this also had disappeared for a Moment. Various traditions therefore say, that one cannot "come too close to God" without dying. The special thing about me was, that not the small self - this had fallen away already much earlier - but the Big Self - Great Consciousness - had dissolved. If it were indeed the Divine that died - although not in its utter quality yet - in WHAT had it died? Is there still something "beyond the Divine?" To be clear: not the image of God disappeared - like in (Christian) mysticism - where the image dies in a short unity with Divine Substance - but the Divine itself was destroyed. O, la, la, I had been beyond Enlightenment and paid the price: Absolute Nothingness. Immediately after - in a split second - "I" was - as described above - dissolved into the Ultimate Divinity, the limitless Eternal Light (see above).

At the same time I had new Great Experiences. A few of them I have mentioned below. "In between" it "rained" "smaller" ecstasies. F.i. the Essence concentrated itself in me in such a way, that the periphery - my body - was totally liberated. While being silent in the center, my outside was dancing. That could increase in such a way, that I danced like Shiva. Everything totally not premeditated, but entirely spontaneous, f.i. in the street among people. Or I was unified with a tree in such a way, that I couldn't hold back, fell on my knees, kissed the grass, while caressing the leaves. Or I went out cycling. Through continuous body and feeling awareness I felt my feet and behind very strongly. At such moments I am one with my body, my bicycle and beyond. Cycling turned out to be a "cosmic orgasm", a force was released through which my bicycle almost collapsed. Or the opposite: I experienced such a heavenly-sweet silence, while completely one with my surroundings, that I didn't feel the cycling anymore.

The Ultimate Sutra

One night I suddenly woke up, my mind being absorbed in Emptiness. Spontaneously I took a pencil and wrote down - in English - a Sutra consisting of sixteen parts, including Awakenening, Acceptance, Friendship, Surrender and Action as the foundation of the Maitreya Mind. See: "The Ultimate Sutra"

Amsterdam
August 1980

That morning everything flowed. I felt so strong, bright and clear. I did everything spontaneously without thinking. I continuously gave in to something, without knowing what it was. Feeling very free, I left the house without any goal or plan. I felt absorbed by joy. Like a child I skipped through the streets. I enjoyed a blissful overflowing feeling of being at home in the world. I sat down on a terrace.

As I was reading: "the sound of a stone against a bamboo", suddenly Something penetrated my surroundings and me. I was immediately absorbed by It. My awareness had become one with the Ocean of Being. It was limitless and undisturbable. Perception was unable to penetrate or create any ripples in It. An entire Other Reality had replaced everything else. This was something "in between", an inner connectedness of things. Everything, objects and events, remained as it was before but without any meaning of itself. They were stripped of any "apartheid".

You are always in the middle of IT

It was everywhere, eternally peaceful, tranquil, crystal clear and fresh. Thoughts were rare and had become insignificant. They had no power anymore and were unable to stir other thoughts. They were like empty particles emerging and then disappearing. There were neither emotions or concerns. It was replaced by blissful ecstasy where body and mind ceased any activity of their own. I was absorbed in total Other-Worldliness. There was just That, the Suchness which had replaced everything else. The entire visible world was both in It and outside It. But the "outside" had become meaningless. I could see a clock, but time did not make sense. My brain had stopped functioning and my state was timeless and limitless.

There was no urge to do anything. I just laughed like a madman because I was so full of joy. There was realization of "this is It"; "this is so simple"; "how blissful This is" and "what a fool I am". Everything fell away. Nothing was separate. However, things and events remained unchanged and went on as usual. The waiter still served on the terrace and the traffic still went by.

For one and a half-hours nothing provoked any reaction in me whatsoever. It did not respond. It remained undisturbable in Itself. Then, on its own accord It subsided. Slowly leaving behind great wonder in me. Everything was new, refreshed and every footstep was my first. I as well as my entire surroundings was equally dear and precious. We were part of the same Whole. It was the third Great Experience in my life.

I see what I Am
And I Am what I see
I and seeing are One
And everything is in it

I fathomed the secret
of life and death
I scrutinized the moment of liberation
into eternal dimensions

I saw Truth by being It
love I was by dissolving into It
I am the Whole
in Me everything comes together and is connected

my tradition is
the smile of the eternal Moment
life (is) the joy of Its Presence
my existence the tear
on Its besmeared Face

Kundalini
(Purification)
1982-1983

Down here you will find the incredible story about my almost daily
kundalini experiences, which happened to me in the early eighties.
They came to me entirely spontaneous, without
any effort on my part

Many guru's e.g. authors talk about kundalini. We have never come across one who testifies about his/her own experiences, though. For the first time we publish these very rare pictures of Han Marie Stiekema (1981), giving some idea where it is all about

It usually happened when in sitting meditation (above: exception): a shiver of both cold and warmth, an erupting delight, trembles, vibrations and shaking emerged from the base of the spine and made their way upward. It is an orgiastic experience, the discharge of a current of energy which provides infinite delight. There is no telling whether it is hot or cold. It is both. The body is burned up and cleansed at the same time. One's awareness is at the border of blissful downfall. It is sooner accompanied by panting, groaning, calling out and orgiastic screaming.

As it rises upward along the spine there is a shaking and shivering and when it reaches the head, which may happen very quickly or even at the same moment, the corners of the mouth and eyes may at first turn completely upward and the latter then open up wide, as much on the left as on the right. The head then joins in waves of violent trembling and shaking, an ecstatic frenzy. Everything has now been turned upside down and nothing remains of the original posture. Once the "typhoon" has passed, complete awareness has usually been reinstated, an awareness which was never entirely gone, a straight back, a relaxed posture with the unfocussed gaze against the back of the eyelids followed by a profound sense of peace and relaxation.

When awareness and the straight posture once again completely coincide and one is above all conscious of the centre of the lowermost part of the spine, there often proves to be additional energy which then contracts in a circle on the crown of the head. In this state a contracted, forceful field of energy is sealed off from the rest of the roof of the skull. It is a centre of aware presence from which everything is viewed. All that was beneath it has now been released and has become completely transparent, open and free.

His attempt to express what happens in his head.....

Basically, two things may now happen. The complete relaxation of one's body coupled with the intensely clear awareness of the centre of the lowermost part of the spine - the centre of the imaginary axis of the "hollow bamboo" - and the relaxed opening and widening of both eyes whereby the "hollow bamboo" diametrically widens - will once again spark off the fire reflex. The repeating of this a second, third or numerous times may result in such upward vehemence that there is an eruption extending to even above the head of exploding, lightning and totally dissolving ecstatic orgasms, moments in which one ceases to exist.

Or else the field of contracted energy and upper awareness may gradually dissolve without the generating of new upward-flowing energy. From clear awareness the ebbing-away yields an extremely subtle inner bliss. At a certain point the head then starts leaning forward and the mouth and eyes become smaller, contracted and slightly pursed. The head together with the shoulders slowly moves forward and the current of energy flows downward from the mouth, throat and chest to the abdomen. The forceful breathing out through the mouth is often accompanied by hissing sounds like those of a snake or "dragon". The hissing is an overall event of enjoying the force available which originates from the abdomen.

Once it is over, one is clearly aware of the course of breathing in the abdomen which is deep down, completely relaxed, free and minimal. This then is the end of the kundalini-cycle. In most instances I thankfully fall forward or find myself having spontaneously touched the ground with my forehead.

I then experience myself from another center of consciousness. In it there is space coupled with freedom, clarity, equanimity and directness. A state transcending happiness and unhappiness with nothing interfering. Neither thoughts nor feelings ripple the surface of the water. Nothing from either within or without can disturb the inner peace. Everything goes without saying. No need to add to this state, to interpret, comment on it nor judge it. Eventually it is a complete peace free of the urge to do anything. There were daily experiences which lasted at least one and a half years.

The Cycle Completed
15th of May 1983, around 3.30 pm

It was so subtle, so delicate and hardly noticeable that I do not remember the exact moment. I was suddenly absorbed by an omnipresent tranquil Clarity. Immediately this tranquility took away every urge to do anything whatsoever. A completely otherworldly Presence appeared to be there: a silent Equanimity. I remained lying on the same spot and I felt deeply tired. It was special because I felt heavy and light at the same time. While falling asleep, I remained aware with sleep and alertness fusing together. My body was heavy and my mind transparent and without thoughts.

After one hour I finished sleeping and the brightness of my awareness had grown remarkably. My body was not an entity of its own anymore. It was light and felt very easy. There was no resistance, no obstacles, no special sensations and no weight. It had simply dropped off and was absorbed by the lightness of Limitless Being: in Oneness. In this One Space neither inner nor outer existed.

The acts "I did" were entirely spontaneous, straightforward and direct. Walking, sitting, making tea and rearranging the room was totally effortless and unbelievably light. There was no me in the doing.

Discrimination of the brain had fallen off. The world had ceased to be an accumulation of things-on-their-own. Now it existed and appeared as a unity: a limitless space; a continuum of interdependent events. Since all obstructions of the mind, such as discrimination, commentaries, meaning, associations, concepts, interpretations, conclusions and judgements had passed away, the world appeared as it is: direct and simple. Everything "around me" was part of the Original Freshness. It is a state of awareness where breathing almost disappears completely. This state is the highest possible Simplicity.

This is the Original Homeland. It is all embracing. Everything is as it is; perceptions are no longer able to leave any impression on the mind. There is not anything to impress on. Consciousness is not only empty; it has no substance of its own. No sense of identity either. It is a non-existence and is utterly unmoved by what "it sees". Emptiness is the seeing.

The usual stress in one's head is totally absent. There is just an omnipresent lively silent Transparency. Although events continue to happen as usual, their energy, their charge, their life and their attraction has disappeared. They are like shadows. Existence is just One Eternal Moment. Thinking of the next moments is impossible, it does not occur to you. You have been switched on into timelessness. You cannot "look outside". You are a prisoner of The Eternal.

How sweet is this. How pure and fresh! Yes, you are a prisoner, yet your freedom is absolute. You are not concerned at all with the world "around you"; there is no urge whatsoever to interfere. There are no worries and no emotions. It is a move into a very subtle equanimity where you are in the world but not of it. No special events occur. There is neither excitement nor bliss, joy nor ecstasy. No special "spiritual experience". As awareness is insensible to whatever there is, it totally transcends here and there. It is inclusive.

The mind has disappeared. You are no more there. There are no thoughts, no energy, no identity, no self-awareness and no awareness. There is just this All Pervading Void. A Valley of Divine Calm. In this Eternal Moment, I am all that was, is and will be. I am the All Embracing One; I embody all Buddha’s of all times simultaneously.

This was the most "common" of my first four Great Experiences. It showed me the Bottomless Ground of existence in its simple perfection, directness and transparency; nothing special, nothing holy. With it the Cycle of Enlightenment has been completed. The highest Self-Realization thus brought me back to everyday life. There is no substance, no "Enlightenment in between" anymore. A life in which I am equal to the grass, the trees, the lily and the pond.

The essence of Enlightenment: a rebirth into the world

not of this world nor
of the other
have I been tricked

the Way
from something to Nothingness
into Nowhere

2.
the Eternal
unchangeable Being
only asks for
continuous beginning

Limitlessness
insists on
the boundaries of
every separate moment

the Unrestricted
demands
the restriction of what It is
before It was born

those touched by Her
affluence
go the opposite
Way

all those who are
possessed by Her
are stripped of his or her
quality

nobody is allowed to
share
unless he or she
dies into Her

3.
now I walk in the street
unveiled
everything gained something
while I have less

the extra
everything already had
the deficit
that I never possessed

inner emptiness that
from face to face
lightens up
the eye of the world

Working on integration ("Dark Night of the Soul")

After ten years the intensity of my Bliss gradually became weaker, though. Periods of depression, irritability and negativity made themselves known. Only later I grasped, that the Divine "purposely" withdraws itself in order to give one the opportunity of integrating still unprocessed inner residues of the old self. For Wholeness doesn't mean to identify yourself just with Being alone, but one has to include your personality, as well. Something that was (is) fully unknown in the East. The problem at that time: I didn't know about this. Hence, I had to find out everything by myself. I had two choices: to cultivate my Essence in order to attain the "ultimate perfection" (like Eastern Masters do) or to accept the challenge of starting "all over again" i.e. to start working on my unprocessed parts. At the same time it changed my insights about reality. Contrary to what many teachers say - once enlightened, always enlightened - the ego does return, also after Enlightenment. Additionally, the idea "how I could help people, if I didn't accept my own suffering", was decisive. 

To face this is the greatest challenge on the spritual Path. First of all, one has to digest one's disappointment of not being that perfect. Especially "teachers" who already built up a clientele are often confronted by great difficulties. "Loss of face" and loss of followers!. Not surprisingly, this problem is rarely admitted. Secondly, one should know that great dangers are around the corner. For what is the case? After Consciousness has opened, strong energies come to the surface, cause of not only positive but also negative experiences. When you neglect working on unprocessed emotional complexes, these selfsame complexes will suck these energies, blowing themselves up. The consequence: together with the growth of your inner Light your shadow part (fear, anguish, rage, pain, inferiority feelings, frustrated sex etc.) will getting bigger, as well. Until this inner "counterpart" becomes so strong, that it reaches a limit i.e. is breaking through. Your entire system may then turn from positive to negative. Remedy: also, yes, in particular...after a Great Experience you have to - just like the "simple souls" around you - start working on integration, i.e. go into therapy.

Because my "Dark Night of the Soul" lasted twenty years, it is impossible for me to go into all details. (See for that my Autobiography). One thing was rather a burden to me, namely the tendency to use my Enlightenment for my own (ego)purposes. Through the Great Experience one knows that one is the Universe, the entire Cosmos. Thus it isn't that strange that one has the idea of being "the savior to the whole of mankind". However, no one recognizes you as an Enlightened One. Common minds i.e. vibrations are much too rude for noticing your subtle energies.....Hence, it may come to a point where "you embrace all people", while being neglected, denied or worse by those selfsame persons. Nobody who is asking for your wisdom. You are one with the Cosmos, while being lonely among people! This you can "solve" by - too prematurely - announcing yourself as the "great master". To resist this temptation was for me most difficult, indeed. My Enlightenment thus increasingly posed me more and more difficulties, rather than being the ultimate liberation. Ultimately it dawned to me: "Enlightenment cannot be the Ultimate Reality". There should be still "something behind". The solution came from re-assessing my own Great Experiences. Didn't they start with Absolute Nothingness? With the Light coming out of Darkness? Ergo: Darkness rather than Light ("God") is the Ultimate Reality.

The Cosmic Mother

"Light comes out of Darkness" is common wisdom. That nobody until now took the effort of investigating this insight, is certainly due to the dominance of Christianity. Only the Black Madonna's are giving some indications, reason why until this very date they are a thorn in the eye of the Church. Darkness, Nothingness, Emptiness have been always instruments of evil, i.e. the devil, something that started with Aristotle. Only in recents years, where the Church rapidly lost power, one dares to look behind the screens, and break through the taboo. This was the way I came to know the Mother. Since archaic times She is the the dark "Cosmic Womb" from Which everything - God and the Universe - is born, the latter continuously returning to their Origin. Only She could destroy my enlightenment obsession, for wasn't it She who already once eradicated my Being altogether? My obsession, literally, disappeared into the (Her) "Black Hole!" Nothing in the world could have done the same. By the way, in spirituality nobody mentions it: the destructive side of the Ultimate as Ultimate Liberator. Moreover an insight had become confirmed: Enlightenment (Eternal Light, BuddhaNature, Great Consciousness, the Divine) is NOT the Ultimate Reality. Which means: no authority can be built on it (anymore). On the contrary, this would be like building a home without foundations. A great relief to me! At the same time it is the "end" of all patriarchal religions...

With the Great Mother everything fell into place. Only through Her the situation in which we have put ourselves can become clear. Isn't it a period of fast decay? "In itself" this is not making any sense. With the Mother as "Cosmic Vacuum" this all changes. Her Emptiness is the context of a (dynamic) balance between destruction and creation. With the shifting of this balance, f.i. through accumulation (brought about by a part of mankind), Emptiness is counteracting by trying to find an new equilibrium through breaking down the too much. In this way a meaningful relationship between "above" and "below" is established. It is an invitation to cooperate intelligently with the cosmic forces. If we do so, we have the feeling, that the Cosmos once again will act "to our advantage". It consists of the insight, that the focus of cooperating with the decay is to break down our own personal accumulations (ego) first.  All artificiality, everything infused by greed and self-centeredness isn't worthwile to pursue! On the contrary, it blocks the possibility of a new start. The latter which is urgently needed. It is like A.Toynbee said: when a culture has come to its end, an increasing number of people will be returning to the Origin in order to become renewed. Only after a New Self has been born people will be able to commit themselves to a New World. The Mother is thus not only the Ultimate Reality, like She revealed Herself in my Threefold Realization, but indeed proves to be THE Dimension, that is above all dearly needed nowadays.

PS. I have written so much about the Mother already, that I refrain from going on here. Instead, I remind you of some LINKS, especially "Turn On"

Back into the world

What an irony: the outcome of the spiritual Path the claim to be "Son of the Mother". This is considered to be "very strange". Despite the fact that everybody is son or daughter of a mother! On the highest plane She is the Mother of the Divine and the entire universe. This is also the difference between the Mother and a Goddess. The latter is symbolizing a particular energy, only. Therefore, feminists can surely claim the Goddess, but not the Cosmic Mother. Obviously, in this new situation I needed some time for re-orientation with regard to my new "world view". What is exactly my Mission and how to put it into practice, that was the question. To accommodate with patriarchal religion wasn't possible, while feminists were also rejecting me.....a man who claims to know the Cosmic Mother.....even more thoroughly than women do....that couldn't be accepted. A special problem was posed by the "New Age". For decades it dominated the spiritual "scene". It laid emphasis on "spirituality", "esoterism", "cosmic wisdom", "transformation" etc. etc. The point is that everything remained  part of the small self. The common self (ego) extending its horizon by adding new experiences to it. The problem is that they use all kinds of "spiritual" concepts and ideas, suggesting that they really were transforming themselves. In fact everything - experiences, concepts, imagery, rituals, practices, was only part of the small mind, borrowed (stolen) from all kinds of sources.  Its purpose is to give the common mind some toys to play with in order to create the illusion of a "meaningful" and "happy" life. It's all based on having, though. While others accumulate money, "New Age" accumulates experiences. In the end this all proves to be self-delusion: "spiritual materialism!" While true spirituality/religion stems from One Source only - from Reality - and not from images, concepts and ideas. Moreover, it is about HOW TO GIVE UP the ego. Serving the whole, rather than serving yourself, that is where it is all about. Thus I was forced to find my own way. "The strong one is most powerful, when alone" is something Nietzsche already said. Well, if nothing else goes! One of my main struggles (until this very day) is how to make clear that I am NOT part of the "New Age". Instead, my Cosmic Realization - the interference of the Divine - is the beginning of a truly New Era. In this way I have worked the last 14 years - everything in the Name of the Cosmic Mother - creating A New Tradition: "The Original Tradition of the Universal Cosmic Mother". It is the oldest tradition on earth with the Cosmic Mother giving birth to the Divine Light ("God"), while manifesting Herself as the Black Madonna. These manifestations incarnating themselves as "Green Men" and "Wise Women", both hopefuls to a New World. People are invited to take refuge in the Cosmic Mother, give up their ego's, while being reborn as their True Selves. In order to subsequently becoming part of the Whole, once again: "Heaven, Earth and the (new) Community. The latter culminating into the 10 Steps of "Healing the Planet", our contribution to "Healing yourself", "Healing each other" and "Healing the World".

PS. I know about the suffering of uprootedness. In the beginning it looks like (ego) freedom. However, sooner or later this turns into total inner confusion. That's why people are longing for a New Home! Do you feel invited? If so, don't hesitate and stand up. Make yourself known!

"Come ye all unto Me,
I Am the All-Embracing One!"
Universal Mother