|December 27, 1999
When I look at the Black Madonna, here on my left side, I am
moved by the Truth She embodies*. O, Mother, Your Depth is deeply comforting. How blessed
I am, that You have revealed YourSelf to me. For the first time, patriarchal rule has been
broken. The anguish connected to the oppression of the human spirit is slowly dissolving.
The Mother, on the other hand, is truly all-embracing, lifting the divisions between
people. She equally loves women and men, plants, trees, flowers, animals, rocks, rivers
and the oceans. Aren't they all continuously being born out of Her Cosmic
* Many people know this intuitively. It is the reason
why, despite the oppression of the Church - that even let Black Madonna's
"disappear" - people continued to worship Her.
O, Mother, here I am sitting in my humble hermitage. The
reason I am here is, that I am still very confused about my mission. How can that be?
Haven't You given me every indication about the direction of my life? Didn't your Vision
(of the Grail) tell me exactly what to do? Is it cowardice? Or waiting "for the right
moment?" Honestly, I don't think, that anybody else enjoyed so much assistence in
finding his/her way. The insight came when I started to write this Blog. I did it, because
at that time, it seemed the only way to share my life with You with others. To my own
surprise, this soon proved to be the right thing to do.
What was lacking in the years before, was to give an intimate
account of (my) spiritual life. People are thirsty for "the real thing": a life
of Self-realization, wholeness, surrender and worship. A life, in which the days consist
of continuously tuning in to the Ultimate. Only Your Reality matters*. When I am in You,
nothing else can disturb me anymore. Then there is peace of mind, clarity, joy, trust and
deep fulfillment. Then I am carefree like "the lilies in the field". How often,
though, all kinds of activities, distractions and concerns let me forget about You.
* Do you remember? The Mother "consisting"
of Her Essence, Her Light Body and Her Material Body?
I think, I still have to get used to the fact, that maternal
love is something totally different e.g. new. I happen not to having received too much of
it in my life. This overwhelming feeling of being loved - unconditionally, whatever
happens - is something that no human being is able to give. It is Cosmic Nourishment for
Praise the Mother!
Some said: "this drive for homecoming, isn't that psychological?" They try to
suggest, that, because I had some trauma's in this regard, I projected this into the
spiritual realm, through which "my entire project" would be floored.
Well, projecting your desires and fears into the transcendental is indeed a very common
feature. Thus I am not surprised people confronting me this way. In fact, this is one of
my own reservations about many religious initiatives.
We have been raised with our ego's as the only reality. All
other realities - if any - are thus derivatives. With other words, everything is a
projection of our own dreams, fears and desires. The idea, that outside our common
experience other Realities exist, is considered speculation at best.
In my case, the whole "idea" of the
"Mother" is considered a regression. I "designed my own reality" in
order to avoid feeling the pain of having been rejected. It is a compensation for the lack
of maternal love. It is food for psychologists.
From the first moment of (simple) awakening, you know
better, though. Psychology hopelessly fails short to explain the human situation. It
starts with ignorance about the psyche itself. F.i. it doesn't include its essence, to
start with!: awareness e.g. the inner observer.
Not surprisingly thus, that it denies other,
"higher" Realities, as well. Even C.G. Jung reduced everything to
"psychological categories". F.i. the True Self as Reality became the
"archetype" of the Self. The drive behind: to make everything accessible to
Religion isn't any different. Instead of initiating you
into its mystery - the God-Experience - religion is doing exactly the opposite. They do
everything to prevent you from realizing your Divine Essence. Instead, they entertain you
with their toys: beliefs, words, invocations and rituals. Not surprisingly thus, that your
soul is starving.
To reduce Reality to the level of the ego is the curse of
Western culture. Its reductionist effort has destroyed the sacredness of existence. It is
responsible for our wasteland, within and without. Therefore, our suffering - to be
"thrown back upon ourselves" - is a spiritual one.
Once you start cooperating with the Cosmos, the Cosmos is
cooperating with you. Every level contributes to the same aim: your mission in life. It is
astonishing to learn, that every event has a meaning. In my case: the feeling of being
rejected, not being at home in this world, helped me to "reach the Other Shore".
Being deprived of love made it easier to surrender myself
to the Great Mother. The lack of recognition, respect and appreciation has become a strong
drive to devote myself to having the Mother recognized. All levels are running
synchronous, all having a positive feedback toward each other, leading to an ever growing
This is so remarkable, that I won't protest if somebody
would say, that "the Mother purposely designed my life, everything with the aim of
creating a suitable servant to Her Plan".
Some friends asked me: "if you would have only one
advice to people, what would it be?" I don't have to ponder about the answer:
"Feel, acknowledge your pain, fear, stress, meaninglessness, alienation, addictions,
loneliness and burn-out. Let it penetrate your innermost core.
Then, ask yourself, do I REALLY want to continue this? If
your answer is NO, then TURN ON.
Unburden your pain, remorse and guilt. Start talking to the
Enough for today?
December 28, 1999
I promised to finish the teaching. "Personal
Integration" still has to be completed. How is integration evolving toward spiritual
growth? First of all, "spiritual growth" has become a slogan, covering all kinds
of aims and practices. What is it not? It is NOT an extension of your common self. It is
not an ego-trip, aiming at self-glorification. It does not serve your desire for more:
more happiness, more peace, more fulfillment, more success or more status. Unfortunately,
this has become common practice, though. Thus, we have to re-define it, making an end to
confusion and misuse.
It is even worse. Spirituality is being deprived of its
original meaning and sold as commodity on the market. Religion as selflessness, compassion
and solidarity (with the weak) is replaced by a philosophy, that has to support
profit-maximalisation. New style "spiritual teachers" teach employees how to
relax better in order to become more effective. The new "God" is called
neo-liberalism. Its aim is to bring its "message" of the new "economic
man" to all corners of the earth. In order to achieve this they exploit spiritual
sources, concepts and idea's*.
* Read J.Carrette & R.King "Selling
Spirituality", The Silent Take-over of Religion", 2005 Routledge
Spirituality is not impartial. On the contrary, it
represents clear and outspoken values. It is inherent to the process of spiritual growth.
The core-experience is continuous rebirth. Life occurs between merging with the Ultimate
on the one hand and being reborn as a New Self on the other. Even the (common) ego comes
back. However, not in its original capacity. Before your awakening it was an entity,
living on its own, for its own. After rebirth it has become a function of your Higher
Self, though. Instead of being the master, it has become the servant. Hence, its mission
to protect and defend the Whole. It will never be available for further destroying the
Having said that, spiritual growth has various dimensions.
I already mentioned the renewal of the ego. Secondly, there is the feedback between
Consciousness and its content: thoughts, emotions and desires. Every time you manage to
consciously let in a "difficult" emotion, your inner Space will be benefiting
from it. It will gain in clarity, insight, experience and compassion. Now, there is a
relationhip between the quality of awareness and the load of the emotional complex. You
can only let in what you can digest. The more fierce parts stay behind, "waiting for
the next opportunity". The "same" content may thus pass your conscious mind
again (and again, and again...). In practice, your growth thus proves to be a spiral.
Thirdly, there is growth as a result of the interaction
between your consciousness and its immediate surroundings. It is the topic of the next
Step (3) of our Universal Way: being rooted in Heaven & Earth.
NB. Something has been added to the text of December
To Restore the Wholeness of Life.
December 29, 1999
Yesterday, I already felt it: toothache. The strange thing
about it was that it affected several teeth simultaneously, both upper and under. So I
suspected the metabolism to be involved. (naughty one's may say: "because of
excessive eating with Christmas". Mistaken! we never do extra things then). The
Chinese say, there is too much yang in the body, so you have to cool it. It complies with
our natural medicine, that blames an excess of waste products to be one of the causes.
Remedy: an enema! Thus, last night I took one and I feel already less pressure in the
I still feel the aftermath of the celebration of a few days
ago, when I wrote the "Christmas Address". I realize how unfamiliar the idea of
"the Mother" must be to many of you. Maybe you feel I am writing from another
planet (in a way I am...haha). The Mother is everywhere, though. Did you know, that the
Mother is the most venerated deity in the world?
Take Hinduism f.i. Annually, millions of people visit the
countless temples and sites where the Mother (MatriDevi) in Her various aspects is
worshipped. From common people to heads of state! Originally, She is the highest deity,
higher than Her male successors, together. Still, villages all over the country are
considered "bodies of the Goddess". The entire country belongs to the Mother:
Mother India. Sri Ramakrishna was a dedicated disciple of Her's*.
* Read "The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna"
In Buddhist countries there isn't a more popular deity, but
Kuan Yin. Although, originally, She is a transformation of the Bodhisattva Avaloktisvara,
people consider Her to be the Divine Mother. It proves, that the need for a Mother as the
Ultimate is unstoppable. Like in India, Her temples, shrines and sites are innumerable. In
Japan f.i., several famous pilgrimage routes attract countless people every year.
China's tradition is manifold. Taoism originally considered
the Tao to be a Womb; its Western Great Mother (Xi Wang Mu) is the successor of the
ancient Mesopotamian Mothers! Add the Eternal Mother (Wusheng Lao Mu) and the popular
Matsu (Tin Hao) to it and you get an idea of the vast Chinese Mother Universe.
Everybody knows about the position of the Virgin Mary in
Christianity. In 431 CE, the people of Ephesis (now Turkey) demanded, that the glory of
their Great Mother Artemis should be restored. The Church saw no other way out, but to
declare the Madonna the "Mother of God". This should be taken literally (which
the Church obviously detests). Ever since, people from all corners worship the
"Virgin" de facto as the Ultimate.
Her churches, shrines and pilgrimage sites exceed by far
the places where Christ is venerated. F.i. in many Spanish churches you see a big Madonna
statue occupying the central position on the altar, while the crucified Christ is only a
shadow. Think of the Lady of Guadaloupe in Mexico, where annually millions of devotees
gather to celebrate the Holy Mother.
In the last century, several writers started publishing
books and articles about the (Mother)Goddess. The excesses of patriarchy had become
intolerable. Hence, women in particular, felt a great need to start a worldwide
"Goddess Movement". Its main purpose: liberating e.g. empowering women. Indeed,
a crucial project, considering the millennia-old oppression of women and everything
related to it.
In the mean time, the negative impact has become clear, as
well. Women started to claim the "Goddess" as their own property. The
(Mother)Goddess became an idol "for women only". She had to serve women in their
quest for identity, instead of the former serving the latter. The result: an exclusive
cult of the chosen ones.
Sadly, it didn't occur to them, that this goes against the
very nature of the Mother! Isn't She All-Embracing? Thus, the process still had to be
completed. The Mother still had to (re)claim Her Position as the Savioress of All, nobody
and nothing excluded. Hence, in these most critical of times, She revealed HerSelf to the
* See: "Universal
MatriDevi, Kuan Yin, the Madonna and many others are all
manifestations of the selfsame Original Mother. True, due to patriarchal manipulation,
their images have become distorted. Despite that, a common denominator can still be
recognized. Their followers share values like wholeness, connectedness, tolerance,
respect, peace, love, care, justice, balance and sustainability.
Hence, worshippers of the various Mother traditions
have more in common with each other than with their own religion....This is cause for
My whole effort is to bring all these people - all children
of the Mother - together, as part of one big family: the World MatriCommunity. (Of course,
always respecting each other's uniqueness!). It is the most promising interfaith
initiative, ever.* Moreover, it is a major step toward Healing the Planet.
* See: "The First
Steps", "Mother Circles" and "World MatriCommunity"
Mother-worshippers of the World, Unite!
December 30, 1999
Best proof of the beneficial effect of Darkness is our
daily sleep. Something deep down must be very comforting, how, otherwise to explain, that
we fearlessly surrender to it? Isn't sleep equal to disintegration of the ego, while
inviting us to go into the unknown? At the moment of sleep we don't know for sure, if we
will be waking up in the morning, once again. Indeed, in the evening we "die",
while being "reborn" in the morning*. Isn't that a miracle? What gives us this
* Hence, it is in the morning, that many people have their
most creative idea's.
At the moment, I don't feel that creative to go on
with the teaching. Yesterday, MeiMei and I came back from a very enjoyable visit to the
hot springs. In Holland there are only two of them, both at quite a distance from our
home. So, we go there only once in a while. The consequence of it is, that we always stay
a little too long in the water. Hence, paying the price - feeling a little languid - this
Reconnecting to the Source is the way through which I
regain my creativity. Compared to this, all other "creativity" is just
surrogate. I "do" this by just remembering the Mother as the All-Embracing Womb.
Subsequently, I feel Her Space in and around me, so that contact is restored. From that
Moment on, I leave everything to Her.
And see, immediately I feel very fresh, once again. Time to
resume the teaching. Step 3 of The Universal Way is called "Rooted in Heaven and
The essence of "spiritual growth" is extension of
awareness (Step 1). First it is very small, just enough to establish your new identity:
the inner observer. Subsequently, while expanding it, all kinds of (suppressed) contents
are appearing at the surface. It is a first invitation to work on personal integration
(Step 2). When your feeling awareness is expanding further - always through body-contact!
- it is going to include your immediate surroundings, as well (Step 3).
In practice, it means that your chair, the carpet, the
table, the vase with flowers and the cupboard all become content of your extended inner
Space. They all become part of You. The consequence? You love every part as your self.
That this isn't theory, is "proven" by the fact, that caressing the chair you
sit on is extemely erotic. (In talks I always make jokes about it). There is really hardly
any difference.....between touching the chair or your beloved. Hence, the quality of life
depends on your inner quality, only.
Together with the growth of your awareness, the
identification with thoughts, emotions and desires is becoming less. The bigger your inner
Space the less powerful its content. How come? Don't people (continuously) talk about
"the power of thinking?" Don't they suggest, that this is the core of
"spiritual progress?" I am sorry to say: it is just the opposite. Thoughts are
"particles", they are positively charged (think of physics). Space on the other
hand, is "negative". It has the quality of emptiness. The emptier your Space,
the earlier its content is loosing its charge.
* Think also of the interaction of male and female
Space is more powerful than thoughts.You become very open,
alert, peaceful and compassionate within. Isn't that beautiful? The more you include your
surroundings, the less you are disturbed by your own (petty) concerns. Compassion and
being carefree are thus two sides of the same coin.
In order to support this your effort, I have designed the
"Heaven & Earth Exercises" (tiendi qigong). Although people also call it
qigong, it actually has very little to do with it. It is based on a very different
principle. While in qigong you have to imitate the teacher in order to master the
movements, in my exercises the movements come from within, right from the start. Their
effects are manifold. It ranges from subtle body-awareness, gentle movements,
effortlessness, grace, beauty, inner balance, strength and intense joy to restoring
contact with nature*. Try them!
* Hence, their third name. See: "Sanctifying nature".
Because I have described them in detail before, moreover
published them live in YouTube, to study them further, I refer to the corresponding
* See: "Letter nr.
1" (Dutch), "Photo Gallery", "The Universal Way", chapter 3 and www.youtube.com/healingtheplanet
Restoring the Sacredness of the Earth.
December 31, 1999
It was to be expected. Sooner or later, someone would
respond to my Maitreya dream*. This morning, MeiMei had a person on the telephone, who, in
a very friendly way, asked "which legitimacy" her husband had to call himself
"Maitreya". MeiMei, calm and alert as always, responded by saying "O, did
he?", refering to the fact, that it was a dream, not a claim. Thinking of all the
others with similar questions (but who don't dare to call.....), I will explain the
following to you.
* See: December 26.
Emptiness includes all forms, e.g. Eternity contains innumerable faces. Every living
and non-living creature - you, you and you - is an expression of the Whole. The Ones that
have realized the Ultimate, include all faces simultaneously, though. "Being Nothing,
you are everything". Hence, the stories about Maitreya f.i., emphasizing his ability
to take on various forms, depending on the situation*. In the West (Sumeria, Canaan), the
Vegetation Gods "died and were reborn" to the benefit of all. See: "Green Men" & "Wise Women".
* Compassion will determine whether you will take on one form or many (or any form at
all...). Fruitfulness decides. If a certain face is loaded with meaning - in our case,
containing the promise of saving the world - then a fully Realized One may decide to adopt
that particular face. It is the ultimate descending into "the flesh". So, it
isn't that preposterous as some might think, but rather a sacrifice for the sake of
I had to think back of two good friends that visited us about one week ago. Actually,
they started the discussion about spiritual leadership. They more or less suggested -
because of the uniqueness of my spiritual background - that, if I wouldn't fill in the
gap, who else could? Wasn't I obliged to the Mother, who had granted me all this? It is
likely, that because of their concern, the entire "Maitreya story" was
triggered. Sometimes, the commitment e.g. encouragement of only a few people can achieve
Thanks a lot R. and F.!
January 1, 2000
Han Marie's New Year's Address
Letter to Spiritual
and Religious Leaders worldwide
As you know, in these most
desperate of times, the crash course humanity has inflicted upon itself is rapidly
accelerating. Society you may say is in decay. The cause as I see it, is alienation from
"Heaven, earth and the community". Being cut off from the Source we are
"thrown upon ourselves". Because of our inability to Be we have taken refuge in
having. Hence, the forces of the ego - materialism and individualism - have totally
overpowered us. Society, therefore, is in the grip of a collective self-addiction.
Because having can never
compensate Being, our greed for more is unstoppable. It is resulting in accumulation on
the one hand and deprivation on the other. For instance, 5% of the world population (USA)
is consuming one third of the total energy available on earth. The interests of science,
technology and capitalism (STC-complex: prof.dr.E.Vermeersch)* have become (too) closely
intertwined. It has become a cancer growth with science inventing, technology applying and
capitalism making profit.
"Through the Eyes of a Panda", 1994, Brugge
The sad thing is, that
multinational corporations are deliberately and ruthlessly promoting egoism, greed and
addiction, thereby destroying the fabric of life: local communities, cultures, economies,
traditions, religions and (above all) nature, exploiting resources, markets and cheap
labor to the benefit of the few, creating huge masses of uprooted, hungry, oppressed,
desperate, angry, violent, sick and displaced people.
Continue reading. Click:
to Spiritual and Religious Leaders worldwide
January 2, 2000
I saw a TV program about the Alps. Reinhold Messner - a
well-known mountaineer - guided us through various aspects of this beautiful region.
Especially, his visit to Sepp Holzer moved me deeply: the way the latter has built his
organic farm during many, many years, eventually creating a unique eco-system. At 1000 m.
even lemons grow, and this in a region with an average annual temperature of 4 degrees
Celsius. Later, Reinhold showed his own work. It consists of various musea, all displaying
various aspects of alpine life.
Always when people find their (true) destiny, I am overflowing with emotion. This time
tears came up, while whispering "Mother, help me, may I also realize my goal in
life". Obviously, I know about all the treasures that have been bestowed upon me. How
much of it has been realized, until now? My feeling says: almost nothing! O, how much I
long to share my life with others. I again prayed: "Mother, show me the way! Let me
become fruitful for "God's sake". I do everything You say!"
What you cannot share, accumulates. Eventually, you suffocate in it. That's why
individualism and materialism are two sides of the same coin. You then desperately start
searching for the other. Jean Paul Sartre said: "the other is hell". My
experience tells me the opposite. What is the use of accumulating treasures? I am thus
very grateful to all those who redeem me from my burden. The other becomes your savior,
liberating you from your self-created prison. It has taught me, that individualism and
materialism are hostile to human nature.
I get sick of it.
January 3, 2000
Last night I had the following dream. I went back to my
native city Groningen in order to visit the hometown (German: "Heimat") museum.
At the entry, I just showed the lady a bundle of money, letting her choose. Promptly, she
took too much. At first, I didn't interfere. Only afterwards I started protesting. I
wanted my money back. She, however, was unwilling. I threatened to go to the director.
Eventually, she gave me a few coins, only.
How comforting the Mother is. After yesterday's emotions
She seems to say: "you yourself determines if the price is too high. Individualism
and materialism are unnecessary sufferings. You don't have to go through them, in order to
come Home. If you are slothful, though, then you pay too much, if you are not alert, then
you have to learn your lesson".
There is only a week left before MotherBlog 3 will start. I
thus have to hurry up, in order to finish the teaching. My experience has taught me, that
the most harmful thing on the Path, is impatience. That doesn't mean, that you shouldn't
long intensively with all your heart for fulfillment! The latter is very much a
pre-requisite! Impatience is something different, though. It stems from an ambitious ego.
Before you go into depth, it is better, that you first
create a sound foundation. The lesson I have learned is, that the "success" of
your Path doesn't depend on Enlightenment, but on a fruitful integration of your
personality into your New Identity. Therefore, I recommend you to concentrate on the first
three steps before you embark on your actual journey: to go into the Unknown.
Step nr. 4 is called "Breakthrough of the
Light". In it, you give in to your deepest longing: to become (re)united with your
Essence. It is necessary to make a difference between longing that comes out of your Depth
and longing that comes from your surface. The former will destroy ego-ambition, while the
latter will only empower it. In the beginning, this seems to be rather irrelevant.
However, in later stages, you will be confronted by the consequences. A blown-up ego is an
obstacle, that is most difficult to overcome, indeed, a setback for years (for life/for
* See below: Step nr. 5.
Because I have desribed the technique of
meditation thoroughly elswhere*, I limit myself to one very unorthodox approach, only. It
is called "mandala-zen". It refers to the picture above. Isn't it beautiful? A
Buddha emerges from the Lotus, while simultaneously being born out of the Origin, the
Cosmic Womb.** The meditation consists of recreating the image. For that, it is most
recommendable to either internalize the latter or having it in front of you.
* See: "The
Universal Way", Step 4.
** Both the Lotus as well as the mandala
symbolizing the Mother. See: "Great Mother Buddhism"
While relaxing, you imagine to sit on the Lotus.
The more intense the contact, the more "you give yourself back to Her". The
heavier your body becomes (giving in to the gravity), the stronger an upward power can be
felt. The Lotus starts straightening your posture. Without any effort on your part! Giving
yourself proves to be equal to receiving yourself (back). Once a stable posture is
reached, you start feeling your back in contact with your clothes. Until your back feels
You then imagine the mandala to be behind your
back. Flashes pass through your mind, time and again. You connect your back with the power
of the image, realizing, that the Womb is continuously giving birth to you. You, in your
sitting position, are the product of incessant Cosmic (Non)Presence. At first, you will
perceive this through your inner observer, only. The more open you are, enjoying your
descent from the Mother, the earlier She will grant you Her Light Body, though.....
Enlightenment is a Gift.
Yesterday, the weather was gorgeous. Just blue
sky all around. I went on my morning walk along the river and through the forest.
Suddenly, a robin popped up. It was about to fly away, as I started talking to it. First,
there was this assessing glance from the side. I told it, how we both are children of the
Mother, without distinction. How happy I felt to meet a sister/brother. Soon it became
totally relaxed, turning its frontside to me, showing its red colored breast. While I told
it, how I admired its beauty, it really seemed to listen to me. Isn't that a miracle?
January 4, 2000
The Maitreya discussion doesn't want to quiet down. Again, several people have
responded. A short overview:
"Why this moaning about when, how and where to start your mission? Where are
you waiting for? According to me, there is someting within, that is holding you
"You say, you are waiting for signals from the Mother. Look around, what more
signals do you need?"
"In the literature about Maitreya Buddha it is said, that he is very reluctant
to descend from the Tushita Heaven. He is a slothful guy, simply liking paradise too much.
Something I can imagine!".
"Every time gets the teacher it deserves. The more critical the former, the
more courageous the latter has to be. Not an easy task!"
"We all face the same problem. Each of us in his or her own way. We all have
to step out of our convenient situation. One person, however Enlightened, is not enough.
Only mutual support e.g. solidarity will be able to achieve something".
"Han Marie, I have experienced you several times now. You've got everything,
that is needed for a new start. Sitting there in your hermitage will not bring it about,
though. Go out into the world! Meet people! Inspire them! That is where your mission is
"Some are born to be wild (remember Easy Rider?). Where are you born for?
Isn't that the key question? If this isn't clear, yet, then you simply have to wait. It is
proof of the fact, that the Mother is still moulding you".
"I wish you many sleepless nights".
I often use the example of "St" Augustin, to show, how a message, originally
coming out of Divine Inspiration, can become distorted because of an unbalanced
personality. "St" Augustin was Enlightened. His mystical experience is beyond
any doubt. His honesty impressive. Hardly anybody else had been so scrutinizing about his
or her own failures. And yet, his influence on the world has been a disaster. Just by not
having been able to integrate some major (oppressed) aspects - sex, power, influence -
into his New Self. Through him the Church started to condemn almost every aspect of life
Hence, I have always been keen on integrating old parts in my New Identity. There will
be very few teachers, who postpone their career because of it. In my case, it took at
least 15 years, actually, a few more. Eventually, I thought that my situation was
"acceptable". Why I still didn't dare to come to the open, though? What was (is)
it, that holds me back? Did I overlook something? To be honest, I think I did. Deep down a
major inner obstacle was still hiding. It is the inner taboo on strength. Americans will
laugh. Typically a European (cultural) problem. In a way they are right. Especially in
Dutch society, to excell isn't tolerated.
"What a rude mind! I suspect he is Dutch"
It has had quite an impact on me until this very day. If you show strength, confidence,
excellence or talent, your "head will be cut off" as they say here. It is the
reason, why some Dutch first build up a career, abroad. Once they are famous, our clever
countrymen suddenly shout out: "that Jan is so talented, we never ever
expected". The "spiritual scene" isn't any better. While
"everybody" talks about it, very few commit themselves. Everybody tries to be
the smartest, scoring off the other. Hence, "spirituality" never leads to any
form of connectedness, solidarity or community. So, who wants to adopt me? (haha). While
this is all true, it is not the whole story, though.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we
are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We
ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are
you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There
is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around
you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our
own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
This poem was written by Marianne Williamson and read by
Nelson Mandela at his 1994 inaugeration. Although quoted innumerable times before, it
still has kept its original power.
Recently, I have become fully aware of how my small self sabotaged my True Nature. It
is lack of courage, that prevents me from fully serving the Mother. I am in no way better
than St. Augustin. Actually, I've got more sympathy for him, knowing how difficult it is
to be a fully integrated human being. He, at least, tried. True, his mistakes caused a
drama, that cannot be overlooked (at all). But who is a better example, the one who is
pretending perfection or the one who gave everything, but failed? I, anyway, am prepared
to learn from him.
Like I learn from everybody else.
This hermitage, really, is a pressure cooker. The Mother, through Her Eternal Wisdom
has put me in a situation, where I have no choice but to confront my weakest points. It
became a chain reaction. After yesterday's feedback with our friends, things have
accelerated at an incredible pace. It started while going to bed. Never before I was so
restless, and indeed.....I couldn't sleep. Then, in a Moment of great alertness I entered
a very bright Darkness. It surrounded me from all sides, followed by a spark catching on
me. Immediately after I saw a very alive film of my life.
It was winding back, just like people see it just before they die. It went crazily
fast. Because of its exceptional clarity I saw the smallest detail, though. It started
with people expressing their frustration about my vagueness. I felt paralysed, not able to
find a solution to their confusion. Subsequently, I realized, that I always had functioned
below my level. Moreover, my habit of always approaching new situations in an indirect way
was exposed. Never giving it straight to someone. My multiple fears appeared on the
screen. First the fear to be ridiculous in the eyes of others; then the fear to become
isolated, culminating in my fear of conflict.
Eventually, I saw flashes of my childhood. The fear I had of the "world"
revenging itself on me, since I had wished my brother dead. Moments of total sorrow and
tragedy, seeing my brother claiming my mother in such a way, that I felt totally unable to
come in between. The two Gestapo men ringing at our door, upon which my mother screemed
hysterically, afraid of my father being taken away (something that didn't happen). None of
these events was unknown to me. The difference with previous times was, that I never had
experienced them in such a transparent context.
This morning I woke up in great clarity. It was a feeling of having been purified. An
insight popped up with overwhelming power: "in order to be fruitful, you have to take
up your position". The role that is meant for you. Quickly, I looked back to my
Realization*, once again, like I have done a thousand times before. First, there was the
Mother. She is so powerful (empty!), that no creature can survive in Her (Non)Presence. It
was the Moment of total annihilation. It proved to be a rebirth, though, because almost
simultaneously I had dissolved into the Eternal Light.
* See: "Threefold
The "discovery": first there is Nothingness, then there is the Light. There
is a Mother- Son/Daughter relationship between the two. Hence, Realization - however
perfect - doesn't stand on its own. It is not absolute. An Enlightened One thus never can
derive his or her "authority" from his or her Realization, but always from
"Something" Beyond, the unfathomable Nothingness (Womb, Mother). It defines his
or her position on earth.
I have been (re)born out of the Cosmic Womb. She is my Origin, my True Mother. She
granted me Her Light Body. It was Her, who has "sent me" to the earth. I owe my
entire existence to Her. This is my lineage. Moreover, through Her I became all-inclusive:
"Being Nothing, I am everything". Being the Whole, I love everything like
myself. Therefore, I cannot but serve Her. Hence, my mission as the Servant/Messenger
("Sermes") of the Great Mother.
The die is cast. Isn't it about time for all of us to acknowledge our Maternal Origin?
The Mother is Great!
January 6, 2000
Step 5 of the Teaching: Catharsis/Purification
The Path includes many dangers. The paradox: the greater your Opening, the bigger the
obstacles. The former see their whole lives turn upside down. Hence, they need much more
time for integration. "Blessed are those" who just realized a small moment of
Unity. Mostly, their lives can go on (more or less) as usual. How you handle it depends on
the sincerity of your attitude. Obviously, they may be tempted to blow their
"achievement" up. Have you been called or did you call it up, that is the
If ego-ambition is the drive behind, then you really ask for (big) trouble. Contrary to
what many (teachers) say, after Realization the ego will return, whatever the level of
attainment. The chance, that the former is going to use the latter for its own purposes is
considerable. In the past, it was the tradition that prevented excesses. It had a
balancing effect on its saints. One had to be in harmony with "Heaven and
Our social environment is totally opposite, though. Here it counts to "make a
difference". Spiritual Realization isn't controlled by anybody. In most cases it
serves individualistic and materialistic purposes. Both teachers and students are equally
affected by it. "Enlightenment" has become a commodity, something to have. Sad
to observe, how Buddhism f.i. sees its Ultimate Treasure corrupted. That's why it can only
be saved by a totally new approach.*
* See: "Great Mother Buddhism"
Another phenomenon. The more open you are, the more violent the (suppressed) emotions,
that may come to the surface. Again the difference, this time between Asia and the West.
In Asia, the social code prescribes social harmony at all costs*. All disturbing personal
experiences are suppressed. The personality, therefore, consists of two static layers. One
superficial one, the one that "keeps smiling" whatever the circumstances, and a
deeper layer, consisting of a store house of the wildest (negative) emotions, imaginable.
There is no interaction between the two.
* Globalisation is rapidly changing this. However,
"deep down it remains part of their genes".
That's why "every Asian could be a guru". They look so happy, bright and
balanced. Sometimes I make jokes with MeiMei about it: "Why are you not going to sit
on my chair. You only have to smile. People will flock in in masses". The problem is,
that above mentioned teachers have no experience with the Western personality.* Contrary
to them, our model favors a dynamic interaction between the unconscious and conscious
mind. "Let it come to the surface. Only then you will be able to work on it", we
say. The price we pay is the loss of (superficial) "harmony and peace".
* Except those, who have spent some time in the West, already. They sometimes manage to
adjust their teaching.
To be continued.
January 7, 2000
First of all, to be the One You Really Are was the East's unique contribution to
Western spirituality. Before that, Christianity had oppressed it with all its might. It
was the greatest possible heresy - pride/blasphemy - for which you could land on the
stake! Imagine, for 2000 years you weren't allowed to be your Self! Every reason thus to
be infinitely grateful to our brothers and sisters in the East.
In Asia, cultural conditioning and awakening are an extension of each other. The latter
complies with the cultural ideals. Once having attained, you don't have to do anything
anymore. It is the end station. In the West, Realization is only the beginning, though.
Awakening (Step 1) in the West almost immediately confronts you with the necessity of
personal integration (Step 2). This will be sufficient in all cases, where thoughts,
emotions and desires aren't too much fixed. The real violent ones are a different story,
though. They mostly have their origin in early childhood. Considering the disintegrating
family-situation, this damage is only increasing! Our "youth problem" is
actually a parent problem.
Anyway, what happens, if on the one hand, your Opening is extending, while on the other
hand, the emotions aren't properly dealt with?
Then, with every new extension, emotions like pain, fear, hatred, inferiority-complex,
self-pity and jalousy f.i. are sucking energy from your inner Space, blowing themselves
up.The greater the Light, the stronger darkness becomes. They go hand in hand. Until a
critical limit is reached. Then, even through a minor provocation, the balance can tip
over. "Just a short while ago I still was so peaceful and in harmony!"*
Suddenly, bitterness, revenge, self-destruction or aggression have taken possession of
you. You have become "a fallen angel".
* This, obviously, can also develop more gradually.
In those cases "personal integration" is often not enough. It has to be
complemented by catharsis/purification (Step 5). Don't take it lightly. In my case it took
several years, before the obstacles were overcome. So, first it takes time. Be patient.
Accept your suffering. Acknowledge and embrace it. A small ceremony now and then won't do.
In German, this darkness is called "Widersacher" (adversary). In former times
this was called the devil. So, pay the necessary attention to it. It may vary from body
cleansing e.g. fasting, catharsis therapies (Guasha/Mother Healing* f.i.), going on a
pilgrimage to even having your evil driven out (by an ethnic healer or shaman).
* See: "Mother Healing" and www.guasha.8m.com
Was it too heavy? You may contact me any time.
January 8, 2000
Before going to Step 6 "Taking Refuge in the Mother" I had the following
dream. A group of people tried to connect to each other, while playing with all kinds of
technological items. They really tried hard. It was a chaos, though. About to give up,
suddenly everything started to work. They were amazed, what made it possible? They then
discovered one thick electrical wire connecting them all.
Again, isn't that a hopeful dream? Indeed, what we desperately need is Unity in
Diversity. In my life I have tried everything to find a common denominator. Nothing - no
God, Goddess, guru, feminist, religion, church or philosophy met the demand - only the
* Read: "Turn On", "Universal Message", "HerStory",
"Youth are asking", "Mother Church", "Great
Mother Buddhism" and many more (please, click).
So, what brought you to the Great Mother? This question I asked some of you. I
really appreciate your effort to share your experiences with us. I am listening!
"My whole life is a mess. I constantly try to find a balance. Sometimes, it seems,
I succeed. But very soon the familiar restlessness takes possession of me, once again. My
wife and children have to suffer from it. So, I tried to find refuge in spirituality.
During many years, I visited many teachers, centers and programmes. To no avail. Until I
came across your writings".
"I am a writer, you know. For a while I really thought, that my attempts to write
about inner life were sincere. Then somebody confronted me with my hidden arrogance. I was
using spirituality to prove my own personal superiority. How incredible painful! For a
while I was without any guidance. Then my longing for a refuge grew and grew. I was so fed
up with myself. Slowly, I found my way back home, to the Great Mother. Unbelievable!"
"Since early childhood I have been feeling a treasure within. However, at school
there is no space for those things. I feel myself between two fires. One group is the fun
group. They are only interested in drinking, drugs, video-games, sex and parties. The
other group includes the fundamentalists. They are intolerant and aggressive. So, yes, I
felt lonely. Then I heard of the Mother as the Origin of the All, giving joy, security and
hope to everyone. Immediately, I felt attracted to Her. It sounds so absolutely cool and
"I hated the ones who ruined my life. The ones that taught me that I am only a
second-rate creature. The ones that despised my female body. The ones that exploited my
commitment. Yes, indeed, I hated this institute, the church, who did all these horrible
things to me. So I started to read some feminist theologians. What a relief! After a few
years I found myself involved in the Goddess movement. Through it I found ways to empower
myself. The negative side: it is excluding men. It went against my love for my husband and
three sons. My intuition told me, that Truth is inclusive. So, I am blissfully happy with
the All-Embracing Mother. Eventually, my universe has been healed".
"I used to be homeless. The street was my home. I have slept under bridges,
porches, doorways and police stations. I was a drinker and a drug-user. I have seen the
ugly side of life: prostitution, crime and violence. After many years my hope for a better
life was gone. Then I was picked up by a woman. She brought me to a house for the
homeless. This house was dedicated to the Virgin Mary. I found refuge in Her mildness. I
started studying the history of Christianity. I learned how the Virgin actually is a
manifestation of the Original Great Mother. It gave my life a new meaning. Maybe one day I
am going to open a house for the homeless, myself. Of course, everything as a dedication
to the Mother."
"For many years I considered myself to be spiritual. I even gave courses for
religious groups. Slowly, the feeling of "knowing the truth" crept in. To every
question I had an answer. My "truth" was above all criticism. So I became very
obstinate and self-willed. My self-image was very rosy, though. I honestly thought to be a
very humble man! Until a major crisis in my relationships occurred. I suddenly understood
how heartless I was within, indeed, how icy cold. Somebody, who let nothing stand in one's
way. It was the beginning of change. A very tough path, indeed. Slowly, I became milder. I
discovered my feminine part within. Now, I am even visiting Mother Circles now and then.
It is still quite new to me. But I am optimistic. Maybe, eventually, Homecoming will be
granted to me".
"Since I was a child, I always had problems with my environment. They considered
me to be a "hyperactive child". Later, I discovered the reasons behind. It was
the pain of being abandoned by my parents. This apparently had made me furious. However, I
wasn't aware of it at that time. My therapist was doing her best. But talks alone are
simply not enough. I thought a sabattical year may give me some relief. So I travelled
around the world. On one occasion I found myself in a Buddhist temple, dedicated to Kuan
Yin. The people around me were so pious! Suddenly, they were all gone and I was standing
there alone. Her Presence started attracting me. I looked at Her face - and believe it or
not - She started smiling to me. How comforting! Tears trickled down my cheeks. I am
forever Yours, I whispered".
"To me life is very depressing. It started ten years ago. I was suddenly fired
without reason. Ever since, it only went worse. I am alone now, spending my time watching
TV. In what kind of a world are we living? Violence and wars all over the place. I blame
the rich West for most of the misery. It is us who are grabbing the resources of the
world. We have always done that. No wonder, people are resisting us. I used to be
religious. Religions consider "greed" as a major vice. Look around, our entire
society is built on it. Commerce is dominating all sectors of society. I get sick of those
managers, who enrich themselves exorbitantly, at the expense of everybody else. Society is
full of lies, to start with the politicians. I know, I should therefore be interested in
transformation. But I have no appetite for anything, anymore. Not even for the Great
"As a mother, wife and with a career of my own, I have conflicting feelings about
the "Mother". As a mother, I feel very familiar with Her. As a career women, on
the other hand, it is less easy. I have been fighting for years to reach this level. You
know, I am the only female director in the company. Logically, I had to adopt at least
some values of my patriarchal environment. Rationality f.i. My position not only has given
me self-confidence, but the pleasures of modern life, as well. I have an interesting
social circle, three holidays a year and a luxery appartment in the center of the city. I
even manage to take care of my family well. Reading about the Mother gives me the feeling
of a setback, though, while the attacks on "patriarchy", it seems, are directed
to my own life!"
"I had a blissful career, working very hard. I made a lot of money. I was always
on the move, meeting new challenges and opportunities. For many years, I very much liked
my life. Slowly, my energies went down, though. Periods of fatigue told me that something
went wrong. I lost overview. Slowly, I acknowledged that "work" had served a
hidden purpose. I especially suppressed my weak points. It had closed the road to my
within. Then I went to a spiritual meeting with the Sermes. He is a very joyful, carefree
man. He talked about the Mother as the Ultimate Reality. Once you surrender to Her, your
life will be renewed, he said. First I made reservations. On the other hand, he was the
living proof. So, I turned on".
So, is there still hope?
Thanks to all of you!
January 9, 2000
Yesterday, after having written down the stories of our
friends, I again urged the Mother to really confront me. What is it that I still don't
understand, I asked Her.
This morning I remember the following dream. The city (a very lovely one) was
overflowing with activities. First I attended a meeting of an anti-nuclear group. Then I
saw myself on the bicycle touring the centre. There were people sitting on terrasses,
everywhere. It was election day. In the street I saw Condolezza Rice collecting money for
some political purpose. I, however, felt very (care)free, not involving myself in
Then, in the centre of the square, I stumbled upon an old lady. She was dressed in a
worn-out coat. But above all, she had a monstrous nose, for which she continuously
apologized. Somehow, there was an attraction between us and I held her close to me. A true
loving embrace! Almost immediately She shouted with joy, pulling off the ugly tip of her
nose, throwing it on the street. We embraced and took leave of each other.
Only to discover, that part of her nose was sticking on my brand new immaculate coat.
Initially, I was rather disturbed by it. Then, slowly, I learned to overcome my aversion,
while continuing my trip through the city.
Mother, I have understood......Friends, isn't it once again a miracle? She, the
Universal All-Embracing Womb committing HerSelf to my petty problems?
This morning I was a little sad. While cleaning up my administration, I came across
many documents, letters and other correspondence from the past twenty or so years. It
reminded me of the difficult side of the Path. Those who have read my autobiography will
understand. For example. During my ten years of uninterrupted Bliss, my ego had been
completely gone: dissolved into the Eternal Moment. Instead of the ego, a different
"wavelength" was ruling my system. The consequence: all kinds of functions,
necessary to survive in "normal" life, had been weakend e.g. completely
Guess what happened, when I had to enter society, once again. Indeed, I was totally
disoriented. Most of my mind functions were floored. I lived against the background of
Great Emptiness, while at the same time I had to set up a "normal" living, once
again. No wonder, that this went wrong right from the start. So, I started to search for
help. Fortunately, friends offered me accomodation, without it I for certain would have
landed on the street. Then a period of trial and error started. What to do on this earth?
Because Emptiness didn't tell me anything, I started to initiate all kinds of "useful
Only to discover, that they did not persist. They came out of Emptiness and returned to
it. I felt like a "lamb", not able to survive in this hostile world. I became
really desperate, for I felt "my environment" expecting me "to start
something". Increasingly, they didn't understand me. It didn't come as a surprise,
because I didn't understand the process I was in, myself. While they confronted me with
worldly necessities, I desperately asked the Ultimate about the meaning of my life and my
possible role. Hence, misunderstandings e.g. irritations grew by the day*. At last, they
were not willing to take my spiritual Path seriously, anymore.**
* I "envied" the Indian saints, who, after having been "discovered"
by the village, are given appropriate respect e.g. a small temple and a daily bowl with
** Fortunately, not all friends distanced themselves from me. On the contrary, with
some the bonds of friendship were even strengthened.
Going through the documents, I was again confronted with the pain I suffered at that
time. It wasn't nice, I assure you. Of course, there was always a sense of Unity in the
background. Through which I was able to bear it. One of the worst things is, when even
your spiritual friends abandon you. And that is exactly what happened. Suddenly, they
showed a different face. What I learned: eventually, everybody decides in favor of his or
own interests. But not only that. I also realize the extent of difficulties they had
because of me. I cannot blame them for not having understood me. It was me who wasn't able
to give them any clarity about the direction of my Path.
So, I disappointed many people and I still feel deeply sorry for that.
Without the Mother I possibly wouldn't have made it.
I feel so incredibly grateful!
January 10, 2000
"The Universal Way" is the gate toward a compassionate life. I myself owe
everything to it. Why it took so long, before I could lay a new foundation to my life?
Because I had to transform myself from somebody who had a limitless need for love.....to
one who has a limitless heart for others.....An almost impossible task, believe me!
Obviously, Self-realization is the key to it. It is inclusive. The more Consciousness
is extending itself, the more it would embrace existence. The point is, that one isn't
always in the Moment. On the contrary: life continuously moves from Unity to the ego and
Hence, there is still some work to do. The ego has to comply with the Self. The former
has to be in harmony with the latter. It has to be transformed from a master into a slave.
Only then compassion is undivided. It is the key process of spiritual life.*
* Again, if you exclude the personality from spiritual growth, denouncing it as
"illusory", then there will never be wholeness in your life. The suppressed ego
will time and again disturb your self-image. "What you deny will dominate
The 7 Steps of Compassion: to become aware with a direct perception of reality
(Awakening, Step 1); to include your thoughts, emotions and desires (Personal Integration,
Step 2); to become part of the Whole, once again (Rooted in Heaven & Earth, Step 3);
to Realize your True Nature (Breakthrough of the Light, Step 4); to harmonize the ego with
the Self (Purification, Step 5); to surrender to the Great Mother (taking refuge, Step 6)
and a life with overflowing Compassion and selfless Service (Step 7).
Yesterday's dream pierced my soul. I had a very precious feeling about it. Behind my
reluctance to give myself away, there is the promised land of compassion. An undefinable
longing overpowered me. I realized how much I was attracted by "loosing my self,
without expecting anything back". I saw flashes of a world in which love, compassion
and joy prevailed. Its gentleness is irresistable.
The dream, therefore, is a real breakthrough. Within it bears a great perspective. It
showed me the way to real life. Everything else - money, politics - is irrelevant. Embrace
the ones who are in need, the dream says*. Immediately, I had to think of all those people
who lead a life dominated by ignorance, stress, pain, greed, depression, fear, illness,
self-indulgence, anger, loneliness, despair, meaninglessness, alienation, confusion and
* Actually, the ugly old woman was the Mother in disguise!, testing the degree of my
Only one thing counts: compassion. It is the theme of all great religions. Think of
Jesus and St. Francis. Apparently, it is something I still lack....On the other hand, the
Mother has still confidence in me, otherwise She wouldn't take the effort to send me this
dream (haha). Knowing my slothfulness I accept Her teaching. It is the same theme
Parsifal* was confronted with. Only after receiving compasssion, the Fisher King, together
with the entire land, got healed.
* The Parsifal Legend is the "Leitmotiv" of my life. See: "Realization" and "Vision
of the Grail"
How "accidental". While I still had to complete Step 7 of "The Universal
Way" (compassion and service), the Mother was just a little ahead of me (by sending
the dream). Hence, it is Her Teaching, not mine. Especially striking is the insight She
gave me of true Love. It is symbolized by my stained coat. It won't work without leaving
traces. With other words: I have to descend to the people, connecting to their lives,
rather than staying in my "ivory tower". This may be obvious to most people, to
spiritual teachers this can be an eye-opener, though (haha).
Actually, the dream has been a confirmation, as well. Didn't I spontaneously embrace
the woman, after all? Thus, it isn't that bad with me....Sometimes I catch myself
doing a low self-esteem. I think I am not worthy, not good enough. It paralyses my
actions. I therefore should pay attention to it. Thanks, Mother!
The Mother is really directing my Blog. Please, Mother, may You give me the right
inspiration for Blog 3: "Heed the Call", as well.
How do you know a dream is a deep, "archetypical" one?. First of all, it is
its clarity. It should be such, that it stays in memory for a while. Secondly, it should
have its impact on daily life: a substantial change of feeling, mood and behavior. It
should give you a (new) guideline in life. Thirdly, this should be visible to others.
This afternoon - after my yesterday's dream - my Being was utterly freed. Everything
felt so incredible light. "I" did everything without effort. It seemed
"I" had wings. The whole universe was filled with sympathy, without exception.
So, totally spontaneous, I imagined embracing everybody I met on the street.
Men and women, fat and slim ones, children and elderly, ugly and beautiful ones, locals
and foreigners, "cats and dogs", nobody was excluded. It was so real, that I
felt every embrace physically. The surprise: to include every being in my arms was a most
natural and above all a very joyful overflowing feeling.
And, you guess it, MeiMei suddenly said to me: "How light you are. According to
me, you are totally free rightnow."
I had no words for it and smiled.