Mother Blog 2 (2)

December 27, 1999

Part 1

When I look at the Black Madonna, here on my left side, I am moved by the Truth She embodies*. O, Mother, Your Depth is deeply comforting. How blessed I am, that You have revealed YourSelf to me. For the first time, patriarchal rule has been broken. The anguish connected to the oppression of the human spirit is slowly dissolving. The Mother, on the other hand, is truly all-embracing, lifting the divisions between people. She equally loves women and men, plants, trees, flowers, animals, rocks, rivers and the oceans. Aren't they all continuously being born out of Her Cosmic Lap?

* Many people know this intuitively. It is the reason why, despite the oppression of the Church - that even let Black Madonna's "disappear" - people continued to worship Her.

O, Mother, here I am sitting in my humble hermitage. The reason I am here is, that I am still very confused about my mission. How can that be? Haven't You given me every indication about the direction of my life? Didn't your Vision (of the Grail) tell me exactly what to do? Is it cowardice? Or waiting "for the right moment?" Honestly, I don't think, that anybody else enjoyed so much assistence in finding his/her way. The insight came when I started to write this Blog. I did it, because at that time, it seemed the only way to share my life with You with others. To my own surprise, this soon proved to be the right thing to do.

What was lacking in the years before, was to give an intimate account of (my) spiritual life. People are thirsty for "the real thing": a life of Self-realization, wholeness, surrender and worship. A life, in which the days consist of continuously tuning in to the Ultimate. Only Your Reality matters*. When I am in You, nothing else can disturb me anymore. Then there is peace of mind, clarity, joy, trust and deep fulfillment. Then I am carefree like "the lilies in the field". How often, though, all kinds of activities, distractions and concerns let me forget about You.

* Do you remember? The Mother "consisting" of Her Essence, Her Light Body and Her Material Body?

I think, I still have to get used to the fact, that maternal love is something totally different e.g. new. I happen not to having received too much of it in my life. This overwhelming feeling of being loved - unconditionally, whatever happens - is something that no human being is able to give. It is Cosmic Nourishment for tormented souls.

Praise the Mother!

Part 2

Some said: "this drive for homecoming, isn't that psychological?" They try to suggest, that, because I had some trauma's in this regard, I projected this into the spiritual realm, through which "my entire project" would be floored.

Well, projecting your desires and fears into the transcendental is indeed a very common feature. Thus I am not surprised people confronting me this way. In fact, this is one of my own reservations about many religious initiatives.

We have been raised with our ego's as the only reality. All other realities - if any - are thus derivatives. With other words, everything is a projection of our own dreams, fears and desires. The idea, that outside our common experience other Realities exist, is considered speculation at best.

In my case, the whole "idea" of the "Mother" is considered a regression. I "designed my own reality" in order to avoid feeling the pain of having been rejected. It is a compensation for the lack of maternal love. It is food for psychologists.

From the first moment of (simple) awakening, you know better, though. Psychology hopelessly fails short to explain the human situation. It starts with ignorance about the psyche itself. F.i. it doesn't include its essence, to start with!: awareness e.g. the inner observer.

Not surprisingly thus, that it denies other, "higher" Realities, as well. Even C.G. Jung reduced everything to "psychological categories". F.i. the True Self as Reality became the "archetype" of the Self. The drive behind: to make everything accessible to psychological manipulation.

Religion isn't any different. Instead of initiating you into its mystery - the God-Experience - religion is doing exactly the opposite. They do everything to prevent you from realizing your Divine Essence. Instead, they entertain you with their toys: beliefs, words, invocations and rituals. Not surprisingly thus, that your soul is starving.

To reduce Reality to the level of the ego is the curse of Western culture. Its reductionist effort has destroyed the sacredness of existence. It is responsible for our wasteland, within and without. Therefore, our suffering - to be "thrown back upon ourselves" - is a spiritual one.

Once you start cooperating with the Cosmos, the Cosmos is cooperating with you. Every level contributes to the same aim: your mission in life. It is astonishing to learn, that every event has a meaning. In my case: the feeling of being rejected, not being at home in this world, helped me to "reach the Other Shore".

Being deprived of love made it easier to surrender myself to the Great Mother. The lack of recognition, respect and appreciation has become a strong drive to devote myself to having the Mother recognized. All levels are running synchronous, all having a positive feedback toward each other, leading to an ever growing power.

This is so remarkable, that I won't protest if somebody would say, that "the Mother purposely designed my life, everything with the aim of creating a suitable servant to Her Plan".

Some friends asked me: "if you would have only one advice to people, what would it be?" I don't have to ponder about the answer: "Feel, acknowledge your pain, fear, stress, meaninglessness, alienation, addictions, loneliness and burn-out. Let it penetrate your innermost core.

Then, ask yourself, do I REALLY want to continue this? If your answer is NO, then TURN ON.

Unburden your pain, remorse and guilt. Start talking to the Great Mother!

Enough for today?

December 28, 1999

I promised to finish the teaching. "Personal Integration" still has to be completed. How is integration evolving toward spiritual growth? First of all, "spiritual growth" has become a slogan, covering all kinds of aims and practices. What is it not? It is NOT an extension of your common self. It is not an ego-trip, aiming at self-glorification. It does not serve your desire for more: more happiness, more peace, more fulfillment, more success or more status. Unfortunately, this has become common practice, though. Thus, we have to re-define it, making an end to confusion and misuse.

It is even worse. Spirituality is being deprived of its original meaning and sold as commodity on the market. Religion as selflessness, compassion and solidarity (with the weak) is replaced by a philosophy, that has to support profit-maximalisation. New style "spiritual teachers" teach employees how to relax better in order to become more effective. The new "God" is called neo-liberalism. Its aim is to bring its "message" of the new "economic man" to all corners of the earth. In order to achieve this they exploit spiritual sources, concepts and idea's*.

* Read J.Carrette & R.King "Selling Spirituality", The Silent Take-over of Religion", 2005 Routledge

Spirituality is not impartial. On the contrary, it represents clear and outspoken values. It is inherent to the process of spiritual growth. The core-experience is continuous rebirth. Life occurs between merging with the Ultimate on the one hand and being reborn as a New Self on the other. Even the (common) ego comes back. However, not in its original capacity. Before your awakening it was an entity, living on its own, for its own. After rebirth it has become a function of your Higher Self, though. Instead of being the master, it has become the servant. Hence, its mission to protect and defend the Whole. It will never be available for further destroying the planet....

Having said that, spiritual growth has various dimensions. I already mentioned the renewal of the ego. Secondly, there is the feedback between Consciousness and its content: thoughts, emotions and desires. Every time you manage to consciously let in a "difficult" emotion, your inner Space will be benefiting from it. It will gain in clarity, insight, experience and compassion. Now, there is a relationhip between the quality of awareness and the load of the emotional complex. You can only let in what you can digest. The more fierce parts stay behind, "waiting for the next opportunity". The "same" content may thus pass your conscious mind again (and again, and again...). In practice, your growth thus proves to be a spiral.

Thirdly, there is growth as a result of the interaction between your consciousness and its immediate surroundings. It is the topic of the next Step (3) of our Universal Way: being rooted in Heaven & Earth.

NB. Something has been added to the text of December 27.

To Restore the Wholeness of Life.

December 29, 1999

Yesterday, I already felt it: toothache. The strange thing about it was that it affected several teeth simultaneously, both upper and under. So I suspected the metabolism to be involved. (naughty one's may say: "because of excessive eating with Christmas". Mistaken! we never do extra things then). The Chinese say, there is too much yang in the body, so you have to cool it. It complies with our natural medicine, that blames an excess of waste products to be one of the causes. Remedy: an enema! Thus, last night I took one and I feel already less pressure in the region.

I still feel the aftermath of the celebration of a few days ago, when I wrote the "Christmas Address". I realize how unfamiliar the idea of "the Mother" must be to many of you. Maybe you feel I am writing from another planet (in a way I am...haha). The Mother is everywhere, though. Did you know, that the Mother is the most venerated deity in the world?

Take Hinduism f.i. Annually, millions of people visit the countless temples and sites where the Mother (MatriDevi) in Her various aspects is worshipped. From common people to heads of state! Originally, She is the highest deity, higher than Her male successors, together. Still, villages all over the country are considered "bodies of the Goddess". The entire country belongs to the Mother: Mother India. Sri Ramakrishna was a dedicated disciple of Her's*.

* Read "The Gospel of Sri Ramakrishna"

In Buddhist countries there isn't a more popular deity, but Kuan Yin. Although, originally, She is a transformation of the Bodhisattva Avaloktisvara, people consider Her to be the Divine Mother. It proves, that the need for a Mother as the Ultimate is unstoppable. Like in India, Her temples, shrines and sites are innumerable. In Japan f.i., several famous pilgrimage routes attract countless people every year.

China's tradition is manifold. Taoism originally considered the Tao to be a Womb; its Western Great Mother (Xi Wang Mu) is the successor of the ancient Mesopotamian Mothers! Add the Eternal Mother (Wusheng Lao Mu) and the popular Matsu (Tin Hao) to it and you get an idea of the vast Chinese Mother Universe.

Everybody knows about the position of the Virgin Mary in Christianity. In 431 CE, the people of Ephesis (now Turkey) demanded, that the glory of their Great Mother Artemis should be restored. The Church saw no other way out, but to declare the Madonna the "Mother of God". This should be taken literally (which the Church obviously detests). Ever since, people from all corners worship the "Virgin" de facto as the Ultimate.

Her churches, shrines and pilgrimage sites exceed by far the places where Christ is venerated. F.i. in many Spanish churches you see a big Madonna statue occupying the central position on the altar, while the crucified Christ is only a shadow. Think of the Lady of Guadaloupe in Mexico, where annually millions of devotees gather to celebrate the Holy Mother.

In the last century, several writers started publishing books and articles about the (Mother)Goddess. The excesses of patriarchy had become intolerable. Hence, women in particular, felt a great need to start a worldwide "Goddess Movement". Its main purpose: liberating e.g. empowering women. Indeed, a crucial project, considering the millennia-old oppression of women and everything related to it.

In the mean time, the negative impact has become clear, as well. Women started to claim the "Goddess" as their own property. The (Mother)Goddess became an idol "for women only". She had to serve women in their quest for identity, instead of the former serving the latter. The result: an exclusive cult of the chosen ones.

Sadly, it didn't occur to them, that this goes against the very nature of the Mother! Isn't She All-Embracing? Thus, the process still had to be completed. The Mother still had to (re)claim Her Position as the Savioress of All, nobody and nothing excluded. Hence, in these most critical of times, She revealed HerSelf to the world*.

* See: "Universal Message"

MatriDevi, Kuan Yin, the Madonna and many others are all manifestations of the selfsame Original Mother. True, due to patriarchal manipulation, their images have become distorted. Despite that, a common denominator can still be recognized. Their followers share values like wholeness, connectedness, tolerance, respect, peace, love, care, justice, balance and sustainability.

Hence, worshippers of the various Mother traditions have more in common with each other than with their own religion....This is cause for great hope.

My whole effort is to bring all these people - all children of the Mother - together, as part of one big family: the World MatriCommunity. (Of course, always respecting each other's uniqueness!). It is the most promising interfaith initiative, ever.* Moreover, it is a major step toward Healing the Planet.

* See: "The First Steps", "Mother Circles" and "World MatriCommunity"

Mother-worshippers of the World, Unite!

December 30, 1999

Part 1

Best proof of the beneficial effect of Darkness is our daily sleep. Something deep down must be very comforting, how, otherwise to explain, that we fearlessly surrender to it? Isn't sleep equal to disintegration of the ego, while inviting us to go into the unknown? At the moment of sleep we don't know for sure, if we will be waking up in the morning, once again. Indeed, in the evening we "die", while being "reborn" in the morning*. Isn't that a miracle? What gives us this natural confidence?

* Hence, it is in the morning, that many people have their most creative idea's.

At the moment, I don't feel that creative to go on with the teaching. Yesterday, MeiMei and I came back from a very enjoyable visit to the hot springs. In Holland there are only two of them, both at quite a distance from our home. So, we go there only once in a while. The consequence of it is, that we always stay a little too long in the water. Hence, paying the price - feeling a little languid - this morning.

Part 2

Reconnecting to the Source is the way through which I regain my creativity. Compared to this, all other "creativity" is just surrogate. I "do" this by just remembering the Mother as the All-Embracing Womb. Subsequently, I feel Her Space in and around me, so that contact is restored. From that Moment on, I leave everything to Her.

And see, immediately I feel very fresh, once again. Time to resume the teaching. Step 3 of The Universal Way is called "Rooted in Heaven and Earth".

The essence of "spiritual growth" is extension of awareness (Step 1). First it is very small, just enough to establish your new identity: the inner observer. Subsequently, while expanding it, all kinds of (suppressed) contents are appearing at the surface. It is a first invitation to work on personal integration (Step 2). When your feeling awareness is expanding further - always through body-contact! - it is going to include your immediate surroundings, as well (Step 3).

In practice, it means that your chair, the carpet, the table, the vase with flowers and the cupboard all become content of your extended inner Space. They all become part of You. The consequence? You love every part as your self. That this isn't theory, is "proven" by the fact, that caressing the chair you sit on is extemely erotic. (In talks I always make jokes about it). There is really hardly any difference.....between touching the chair or your beloved. Hence, the quality of life depends on your inner quality, only.

Together with the growth of your awareness, the identification with thoughts, emotions and desires is becoming less. The bigger your inner Space the less powerful its content. How come? Don't people (continuously) talk about "the power of thinking?" Don't they suggest, that this is the core of "spiritual progress?" I am sorry to say: it is just the opposite. Thoughts are "particles", they are positively charged (think of physics). Space on the other hand, is "negative". It has the quality of emptiness. The emptier your Space, the earlier its content is loosing its charge.

* Think also of the interaction of male and female principles....

Space is more powerful than thoughts.You become very open, alert, peaceful and compassionate within. Isn't that beautiful? The more you include your surroundings, the less you are disturbed by your own (petty) concerns. Compassion and being carefree are thus two sides of the same coin.

In order to support this your effort, I have designed the "Heaven & Earth Exercises" (tiendi qigong). Although people also call it qigong, it actually has very little to do with it. It is based on a very different principle. While in qigong you have to imitate the teacher in order to master the movements, in my exercises the movements come from within, right from the start. Their effects are manifold. It ranges from subtle body-awareness, gentle movements, effortlessness, grace, beauty, inner balance, strength and intense joy to restoring contact with nature*. Try them!

* Hence, their third name. See: "Sanctifying nature".

Because I have described them in detail before, moreover published them live in YouTube, to study them further, I refer to the corresponding sites*.

* See: "Letter nr. 1" (Dutch), "Photo Gallery", "The Universal Way", chapter 3 and www.youtube.com/healingtheplanet

Restoring the Sacredness of the Earth.

December 31, 1999

It was to be expected. Sooner or later, someone would respond to my Maitreya dream*. This morning, MeiMei had a person on the telephone, who, in a very friendly way, asked "which legitimacy" her husband had to call himself "Maitreya". MeiMei, calm and alert as always, responded by saying "O, did he?", refering to the fact, that it was a dream, not a claim. Thinking of all the others with similar questions (but who don't dare to call.....), I will explain the following to you.

* See: December 26.

Emptiness includes all forms, e.g. Eternity contains innumerable faces. Every living and non-living creature - you, you and you - is an expression of the Whole. The Ones that have realized the Ultimate, include all faces simultaneously, though. "Being Nothing, you are everything". Hence, the stories about Maitreya f.i., emphasizing his ability to take on various forms, depending on the situation*. In the West (Sumeria, Canaan), the Vegetation Gods "died and were reborn" to the benefit of all. See: "Green Men" & "Wise Women".

* Compassion will determine whether you will take on one form or many (or any form at all...). Fruitfulness decides. If a certain face is loaded with meaning - in our case, containing the promise of saving the world - then a fully Realized One may decide to adopt that particular face. It is the ultimate descending into "the flesh". So, it isn't that preposterous as some might think, but rather a sacrifice for the sake of many....

I had to think back of two good friends that visited us about one week ago. Actually, they started the discussion about spiritual leadership. They more or less suggested - because of the uniqueness of my spiritual background - that, if I wouldn't fill in the gap, who else could? Wasn't I obliged to the Mother, who had granted me all this? It is likely, that because of their concern, the entire "Maitreya story" was triggered. Sometimes, the commitment e.g. encouragement of only a few people can achieve miracles.

Thanks a lot R. and F.!

January 1, 2000

Han Marie's New Year's Address

Letter to Spiritual and Religious Leaders worldwide

As you know, in these most desperate of times, the crash course humanity has inflicted upon itself is rapidly accelerating. Society you may say is in decay. The cause as I see it, is alienation from "Heaven, earth and the community". Being cut off from the Source we are "thrown upon ourselves". Because of our inability to Be we have taken refuge in having. Hence, the forces of the ego - materialism and individualism - have totally overpowered us. Society, therefore, is in the grip of a collective self-addiction.

Because having can never compensate Being, our greed for more is unstoppable. It is resulting in accumulation on the one hand and deprivation on the other. For instance, 5% of the world population (USA) is consuming one third of the total energy available on earth. The interests of science, technology and capitalism (STC-complex: prof.dr.E.Vermeersch)* have become (too) closely intertwined. It has become a cancer growth with science inventing, technology applying and capitalism making profit.

* E.Vermeersch "Through the Eyes of a Panda", 1994, Brugge

The sad thing is, that multinational corporations are deliberately and ruthlessly promoting egoism, greed and addiction, thereby destroying the fabric of life: local communities, cultures, economies, traditions, religions and (above all) nature, exploiting resources, markets and cheap labor to the benefit of the few, creating huge masses of uprooted, hungry, oppressed, desperate, angry, violent, sick and displaced people.

Continue reading. Click: Letter to Spiritual and Religious Leaders worldwide

January 2, 2000

I saw a TV program about the Alps. Reinhold Messner - a well-known mountaineer - guided us through various aspects of this beautiful region. Especially, his visit to Sepp Holzer moved me deeply: the way the latter has built his organic farm during many, many years, eventually creating a unique eco-system. At 1000 m. even lemons grow, and this in a region with an average annual temperature of 4 degrees Celsius. Later, Reinhold showed his own work. It consists of various musea, all displaying various aspects of alpine life.

Always when people find their (true) destiny, I am overflowing with emotion. This time tears came up, while whispering "Mother, help me, may I also realize my goal in life". Obviously, I know about all the treasures that have been bestowed upon me. How much of it has been realized, until now? My feeling says: almost nothing! O, how much I long to share my life with others. I again prayed: "Mother, show me the way! Let me become fruitful for "God's sake". I do everything You say!"

What you cannot share, accumulates. Eventually, you suffocate in it. That's why individualism and materialism are two sides of the same coin. You then desperately start searching for the other. Jean Paul Sartre said: "the other is hell". My experience tells me the opposite. What is the use of accumulating treasures? I am thus very grateful to all those who redeem me from my burden. The other becomes your savior, liberating you from your self-created prison. It has taught me, that individualism and materialism are hostile to human nature.

I get sick of it.

January 3, 2000

Part 1

Last night I had the following dream. I went back to my native city Groningen in order to visit the hometown (German: "Heimat") museum. At the entry, I just showed the lady a bundle of money, letting her choose. Promptly, she took too much. At first, I didn't interfere. Only afterwards I started protesting. I wanted my money back. She, however, was unwilling. I threatened to go to the director. Eventually, she gave me a few coins, only.

How comforting the Mother is. After yesterday's emotions She seems to say: "you yourself determines if the price is too high. Individualism and materialism are unnecessary sufferings. You don't have to go through them, in order to come Home. If you are slothful, though, then you pay too much, if you are not alert, then you have to learn your lesson".

Part 2

There is only a week left before MotherBlog 3 will start. I thus have to hurry up, in order to finish the teaching. My experience has taught me, that the most harmful thing on the Path, is impatience. That doesn't mean, that you shouldn't long intensively with all your heart for fulfillment! The latter is very much a pre-requisite! Impatience is something different, though. It stems from an ambitious ego.

Before you go into depth, it is better, that you first create a sound foundation. The lesson I have learned is, that the "success" of your Path doesn't depend on Enlightenment, but on a fruitful integration of your personality into your New Identity. Therefore, I recommend you to concentrate on the first three steps before you embark on your actual journey: to go into the Unknown.

Step nr. 4 is called "Breakthrough of the Light". In it, you give in to your deepest longing: to become (re)united with your Essence. It is necessary to make a difference between longing that comes out of your Depth and longing that comes from your surface. The former will destroy ego-ambition, while the latter will only empower it. In the beginning, this seems to be rather irrelevant. However, in later stages, you will be confronted by the consequences. A blown-up ego is an obstacle, that is most difficult to overcome, indeed, a setback for years (for life/for "many lives!)*.

* See below: Step nr. 5.

Because I have desribed the technique of meditation thoroughly elswhere*, I limit myself to one very unorthodox approach, only. It is called "mandala-zen". It refers to the picture above. Isn't it beautiful? A Buddha emerges from the Lotus, while simultaneously being born out of the Origin, the Cosmic Womb.** The meditation consists of recreating the image. For that, it is most recommendable to either internalize the latter or having it in front of you.

* See: "The Universal Way", Step 4.

** Both the Lotus as well as the mandala symbolizing the Mother. See: "Great Mother Buddhism"

While relaxing, you imagine to sit on the Lotus. The more intense the contact, the more "you give yourself back to Her". The heavier your body becomes (giving in to the gravity), the stronger an upward power can be felt. The Lotus starts straightening your posture. Without any effort on your part! Giving yourself proves to be equal to receiving yourself (back). Once a stable posture is reached, you start feeling your back in contact with your clothes. Until your back feels energized.

You then imagine the mandala to be behind your back. Flashes pass through your mind, time and again. You connect your back with the power of the image, realizing, that the Womb is continuously giving birth to you. You, in your sitting position, are the product of incessant Cosmic (Non)Presence. At first, you will perceive this through your inner observer, only. The more open you are, enjoying your descent from the Mother, the earlier She will grant you Her Light Body, though.....

Enlightenment is a Gift.

Part 3

Yesterday, the weather was gorgeous. Just blue sky all around. I went on my morning walk along the river and through the forest. Suddenly, a robin popped up. It was about to fly away, as I started talking to it. First, there was this assessing glance from the side. I told it, how we both are children of the Mother, without distinction. How happy I felt to meet a sister/brother. Soon it became totally relaxed, turning its frontside to me, showing its red colored breast. While I told it, how I admired its beauty, it really seemed to listen to me. Isn't that a miracle?

Overcoming distrust.

January 4, 2000

Part 1

The Maitreya discussion doesn't want to quiet down. Again, several people have responded. A short overview:

"Why this moaning about when, how and where to start your mission? Where are you waiting for? According to me, there is someting within, that is holding you back".

"You say, you are waiting for signals from the Mother. Look around, what more signals do you need?"

"In the literature about Maitreya Buddha it is said, that he is very reluctant to descend from the Tushita Heaven. He is a slothful guy, simply liking paradise too much. Something I can imagine!".

"Every time gets the teacher it deserves. The more critical the former, the more courageous the latter has to be. Not an easy task!"

"We all face the same problem. Each of us in his or her own way. We all have to step out of our convenient situation. One person, however Enlightened, is not enough. Only mutual support e.g. solidarity will be able to achieve something".

"Han Marie, I have experienced you several times now. You've got everything, that is needed for a new start. Sitting there in your hermitage will not bring it about, though. Go out into the world! Meet people! Inspire them! That is where your mission is all about!

"Some are born to be wild (remember Easy Rider?). Where are you born for? Isn't that the key question? If this isn't clear, yet, then you simply have to wait. It is proof of the fact, that the Mother is still moulding you".

"I wish you many sleepless nights".

Part 2

I often use the example of "St" Augustin, to show, how a message, originally coming out of Divine Inspiration, can become distorted because of an unbalanced personality. "St" Augustin was Enlightened. His mystical experience is beyond any doubt. His honesty impressive. Hardly anybody else had been so scrutinizing about his or her own failures. And yet, his influence on the world has been a disaster. Just by not having been able to integrate some major (oppressed) aspects - sex, power, influence - into his New Self. Through him the Church started to condemn almost every aspect of life as "sinful".

Hence, I have always been keen on integrating old parts in my New Identity. There will be very few teachers, who postpone their career because of it. In my case, it took at least 15 years, actually, a few more. Eventually, I thought that my situation was "acceptable". Why I still didn't dare to come to the open, though? What was (is) it, that holds me back? Did I overlook something? To be honest, I think I did. Deep down a major inner obstacle was still hiding. It is the inner taboo on strength. Americans will laugh. Typically a European (cultural) problem. In a way they are right. Especially in Dutch society, to excell isn't tolerated.

"What a rude mind! I suspect he is Dutch"
Erasmus

It has had quite an impact on me until this very day. If you show strength, confidence, excellence or talent, your "head will be cut off" as they say here. It is the reason, why some Dutch first build up a career, abroad. Once they are famous, our clever countrymen suddenly shout out: "that Jan is so talented, we never ever expected". The "spiritual scene" isn't any better. While "everybody" talks about it, very few commit themselves. Everybody tries to be the smartest, scoring off the other. Hence, "spirituality" never leads to any form of connectedness, solidarity or community. So, who wants to adopt me? (haha). While this is all true, it is not the whole story, though.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

This poem was written by Marianne Williamson and read by Nelson Mandela at his 1994 inaugeration. Although quoted innumerable times before, it still has kept its original power.

Recently, I have become fully aware of how my small self sabotaged my True Nature. It is lack of courage, that prevents me from fully serving the Mother. I am in no way better than St. Augustin. Actually, I've got more sympathy for him, knowing how difficult it is to be a fully integrated human being. He, at least, tried. True, his mistakes caused a drama, that cannot be overlooked (at all). But who is a better example, the one who is pretending perfection or the one who gave everything, but failed? I, anyway, am prepared to learn from him.

Like I learn from everybody else.

January 5, 2000

This hermitage, really, is a pressure cooker. The Mother, through Her Eternal Wisdom has put me in a situation, where I have no choice but to confront my weakest points. It became a chain reaction. After yesterday's feedback with our friends, things have accelerated at an incredible pace. It started while going to bed. Never before I was so restless, and indeed.....I couldn't sleep. Then, in a Moment of great alertness I entered a very bright Darkness. It surrounded me from all sides, followed by a spark catching on me. Immediately after I saw a very alive film of my life.

It was winding back, just like people see it just before they die. It went crazily fast. Because of its exceptional clarity I saw the smallest detail, though. It started with people expressing their frustration about my vagueness. I felt paralysed, not able to find a solution to their confusion. Subsequently, I realized, that I always had functioned below my level. Moreover, my habit of always approaching new situations in an indirect way was exposed. Never giving it straight to someone. My multiple fears appeared on the screen. First the fear to be ridiculous in the eyes of others; then the fear to become isolated, culminating in my fear of conflict.

Eventually, I saw flashes of my childhood. The fear I had of the "world" revenging itself on me, since I had wished my brother dead. Moments of total sorrow and tragedy, seeing my brother claiming my mother in such a way, that I felt totally unable to come in between. The two Gestapo men ringing at our door, upon which my mother screemed hysterically, afraid of my father being taken away (something that didn't happen). None of these events was unknown to me. The difference with previous times was, that I never had experienced them in such a transparent context.

This morning I woke up in great clarity. It was a feeling of having been purified. An insight popped up with overwhelming power: "in order to be fruitful, you have to take up your position". The role that is meant for you. Quickly, I looked back to my Realization*, once again, like I have done a thousand times before. First, there was the Mother. She is so powerful (empty!), that no creature can survive in Her (Non)Presence. It was the Moment of total annihilation. It proved to be a rebirth, though, because almost simultaneously I had dissolved into the Eternal Light.

* See: "Threefold Realization".

The "discovery": first there is Nothingness, then there is the Light. There is a Mother- Son/Daughter relationship between the two. Hence, Realization - however perfect - doesn't stand on its own. It is not absolute. An Enlightened One thus never can derive his or her "authority" from his or her Realization, but always from "Something" Beyond, the unfathomable Nothingness (Womb, Mother). It defines his or her position on earth.

I have been (re)born out of the Cosmic Womb. She is my Origin, my True Mother. She granted me Her Light Body. It was Her, who has "sent me" to the earth. I owe my entire existence to Her. This is my lineage. Moreover, through Her I became all-inclusive: "Being Nothing, I am everything". Being the Whole, I love everything like myself. Therefore, I cannot but serve Her. Hence, my mission as the Servant/Messenger ("Sermes") of the Great Mother.

The die is cast. Isn't it about time for all of us to acknowledge our Maternal Origin?

The Mother is Great!

January 6, 2000

Step 5 of the Teaching: Catharsis/Purification

The Path includes many dangers. The paradox: the greater your Opening, the bigger the obstacles. The former see their whole lives turn upside down. Hence, they need much more time for integration. "Blessed are those" who just realized a small moment of Unity. Mostly, their lives can go on (more or less) as usual. How you handle it depends on the sincerity of your attitude. Obviously, they may be tempted to blow their "achievement" up. Have you been called or did you call it up, that is the question.

If ego-ambition is the drive behind, then you really ask for (big) trouble. Contrary to what many (teachers) say, after Realization the ego will return, whatever the level of attainment. The chance, that the former is going to use the latter for its own purposes is considerable. In the past, it was the tradition that prevented excesses. It had a balancing effect on its saints. One had to be in harmony with "Heaven and Earth".

Our social environment is totally opposite, though. Here it counts to "make a difference". Spiritual Realization isn't controlled by anybody. In most cases it serves individualistic and materialistic purposes. Both teachers and students are equally affected by it. "Enlightenment" has become a commodity, something to have. Sad to observe, how Buddhism f.i. sees its Ultimate Treasure corrupted. That's why it can only be saved by a totally new approach.*

* See: "Great Mother Buddhism"

Another phenomenon. The more open you are, the more violent the (suppressed) emotions, that may come to the surface. Again the difference, this time between Asia and the West. In Asia, the social code prescribes social harmony at all costs*. All disturbing personal experiences are suppressed. The personality, therefore, consists of two static layers. One superficial one, the one that "keeps smiling" whatever the circumstances, and a deeper layer, consisting of a store house of the wildest (negative) emotions, imaginable. There is no interaction between the two.

* Globalisation is rapidly changing this. However, "deep down it remains part of their genes".

That's why "every Asian could be a guru". They look so happy, bright and balanced. Sometimes I make jokes with MeiMei about it: "Why are you not going to sit on my chair. You only have to smile. People will flock in in masses". The problem is, that above mentioned teachers have no experience with the Western personality.* Contrary to them, our model favors a dynamic interaction between the unconscious and conscious mind. "Let it come to the surface. Only then you will be able to work on it", we say. The price we pay is the loss of (superficial) "harmony and peace".

* Except those, who have spent some time in the West, already. They sometimes manage to adjust their teaching.

To be continued.

January 7, 2000

First of all, to be the One You Really Are was the East's unique contribution to Western spirituality. Before that, Christianity had oppressed it with all its might. It was the greatest possible heresy - pride/blasphemy - for which you could land on the stake! Imagine, for 2000 years you weren't allowed to be your Self! Every reason thus to be infinitely grateful to our brothers and sisters in the East.

In Asia, cultural conditioning and awakening are an extension of each other. The latter complies with the cultural ideals. Once having attained, you don't have to do anything anymore. It is the end station. In the West, Realization is only the beginning, though.

Awakening (Step 1) in the West almost immediately confronts you with the necessity of personal integration (Step 2). This will be sufficient in all cases, where thoughts, emotions and desires aren't too much fixed. The real violent ones are a different story, though. They mostly have their origin in early childhood. Considering the disintegrating family-situation, this damage is only increasing! Our "youth problem" is actually a parent problem.

Anyway, what happens, if on the one hand, your Opening is extending, while on the other hand, the emotions aren't properly dealt with?

Then, with every new extension, emotions like pain, fear, hatred, inferiority-complex, self-pity and jalousy f.i. are sucking energy from your inner Space, blowing themselves up.The greater the Light, the stronger darkness becomes. They go hand in hand. Until a critical limit is reached. Then, even through a minor provocation, the balance can tip over. "Just a short while ago I still was so peaceful and in harmony!"* Suddenly, bitterness, revenge, self-destruction or aggression have taken possession of you. You have become "a fallen angel".

* This, obviously, can also develop more gradually.

In those cases "personal integration" is often not enough. It has to be complemented by catharsis/purification (Step 5). Don't take it lightly. In my case it took several years, before the obstacles were overcome. So, first it takes time. Be patient. Accept your suffering. Acknowledge and embrace it. A small ceremony now and then won't do. In German, this darkness is called "Widersacher" (adversary). In former times this was called the devil. So, pay the necessary attention to it. It may vary from body cleansing e.g. fasting, catharsis therapies (Guasha/Mother Healing* f.i.), going on a pilgrimage to even having your evil driven out (by an ethnic healer or shaman).

* See: "Mother Healing" and www.guasha.8m.com

Was it too heavy? You may contact me any time.

January 8, 2000

Before going to Step 6 "Taking Refuge in the Mother" I had the following dream. A group of people tried to connect to each other, while playing with all kinds of technological items. They really tried hard. It was a chaos, though. About to give up, suddenly everything started to work. They were amazed, what made it possible? They then discovered one thick electrical wire connecting them all.

Again, isn't that a hopeful dream? Indeed, what we desperately need is Unity in Diversity. In my life I have tried everything to find a common denominator. Nothing - no God, Goddess, guru, feminist, religion, church or philosophy met the demand - only the Mother did*.

* Read: "Turn On", "Universal Message", "HerStory", "Youth are asking", "Mother Church", "Great Mother Buddhism" and many more (please, click).

So, what brought you to the Great Mother? This question I asked some of you. I really appreciate your effort to share your experiences with us. I am listening!

"My whole life is a mess. I constantly try to find a balance. Sometimes, it seems, I succeed. But very soon the familiar restlessness takes possession of me, once again. My wife and children have to suffer from it. So, I tried to find refuge in spirituality. During many years, I visited many teachers, centers and programmes. To no avail. Until I came across your writings".

"I am a writer, you know. For a while I really thought, that my attempts to write about inner life were sincere. Then somebody confronted me with my hidden arrogance. I was using spirituality to prove my own personal superiority. How incredible painful! For a while I was without any guidance. Then my longing for a refuge grew and grew. I was so fed up with myself. Slowly, I found my way back home, to the Great Mother. Unbelievable!"

"Since early childhood I have been feeling a treasure within. However, at school there is no space for those things. I feel myself between two fires. One group is the fun group. They are only interested in drinking, drugs, video-games, sex and parties. The other group includes the fundamentalists. They are intolerant and aggressive. So, yes, I felt lonely. Then I heard of the Mother as the Origin of the All, giving joy, security and hope to everyone. Immediately, I felt attracted to Her. It sounds so absolutely cool and natural".

"I hated the ones who ruined my life. The ones that taught me that I am only a second-rate creature. The ones that despised my female body. The ones that exploited my commitment. Yes, indeed, I hated this institute, the church, who did all these horrible things to me. So I started to read some feminist theologians. What a relief! After a few years I found myself involved in the Goddess movement. Through it I found ways to empower myself. The negative side: it is excluding men. It went against my love for my husband and three sons. My intuition told me, that Truth is inclusive. So, I am blissfully happy with the All-Embracing Mother. Eventually, my universe has been healed".

"I used to be homeless. The street was my home. I have slept under bridges, porches, doorways and police stations. I was a drinker and a drug-user. I have seen the ugly side of life: prostitution, crime and violence. After many years my hope for a better life was gone. Then I was picked up by a woman. She brought me to a house for the homeless. This house was dedicated to the Virgin Mary. I found refuge in Her mildness. I started studying the history of Christianity. I learned how the Virgin actually is a manifestation of the Original Great Mother. It gave my life a new meaning. Maybe one day I am going to open a house for the homeless, myself. Of course, everything as a dedication to the Mother."

"For many years I considered myself to be spiritual. I even gave courses for religious groups. Slowly, the feeling of "knowing the truth" crept in. To every question I had an answer. My "truth" was above all criticism. So I became very obstinate and self-willed. My self-image was very rosy, though. I honestly thought to be a very humble man! Until a major crisis in my relationships occurred. I suddenly understood how heartless I was within, indeed, how icy cold. Somebody, who let nothing stand in one's way. It was the beginning of change. A very tough path, indeed. Slowly, I became milder. I discovered my feminine part within. Now, I am even visiting Mother Circles now and then. It is still quite new to me. But I am optimistic. Maybe, eventually, Homecoming will be granted to me".

"Since I was a child, I always had problems with my environment. They considered me to be a "hyperactive child". Later, I discovered the reasons behind. It was the pain of being abandoned by my parents. This apparently had made me furious. However, I wasn't aware of it at that time. My therapist was doing her best. But talks alone are simply not enough. I thought a sabattical year may give me some relief. So I travelled around the world. On one occasion I found myself in a Buddhist temple, dedicated to Kuan Yin. The people around me were so pious! Suddenly, they were all gone and I was standing there alone. Her Presence started attracting me. I looked at Her face - and believe it or not - She started smiling to me. How comforting! Tears trickled down my cheeks. I am forever Yours, I whispered".

"To me life is very depressing. It started ten years ago. I was suddenly fired without reason. Ever since, it only went worse. I am alone now, spending my time watching TV. In what kind of a world are we living? Violence and wars all over the place. I blame the rich West for most of the misery. It is us who are grabbing the resources of the world. We have always done that. No wonder, people are resisting us. I used to be religious. Religions consider "greed" as a major vice. Look around, our entire society is built on it. Commerce is dominating all sectors of society. I get sick of those managers, who enrich themselves exorbitantly, at the expense of everybody else. Society is full of lies, to start with the politicians. I know, I should therefore be interested in transformation. But I have no appetite for anything, anymore. Not even for the Great Mother!"

"As a mother, wife and with a career of my own, I have conflicting feelings about the "Mother". As a mother, I feel very familiar with Her. As a career women, on the other hand, it is less easy. I have been fighting for years to reach this level. You know, I am the only female director in the company. Logically, I had to adopt at least some values of my patriarchal environment. Rationality f.i. My position not only has given me self-confidence, but the pleasures of modern life, as well. I have an interesting social circle, three holidays a year and a luxery appartment in the center of the city. I even manage to take care of my family well. Reading about the Mother gives me the feeling of a setback, though, while the attacks on "patriarchy", it seems, are directed to my own life!"

"I had a blissful career, working very hard. I made a lot of money. I was always on the move, meeting new challenges and opportunities. For many years, I very much liked my life. Slowly, my energies went down, though. Periods of fatigue told me that something went wrong. I lost overview. Slowly, I acknowledged that "work" had served a hidden purpose. I especially suppressed my weak points. It had closed the road to my within. Then I went to a spiritual meeting with the Sermes. He is a very joyful, carefree man. He talked about the Mother as the Ultimate Reality. Once you surrender to Her, your life will be renewed, he said. First I made reservations. On the other hand, he was the living proof. So, I turned on".

So, is there still hope?

Thanks to all of you!

January 9, 2000

Yesterday, after having written down the stories of our friends, I again urged the Mother to really confront me. What is it that I still don't understand, I asked Her.

This morning I remember the following dream. The city (a very lovely one) was overflowing with activities. First I attended a meeting of an anti-nuclear group. Then I saw myself on the bicycle touring the centre. There were people sitting on terrasses, everywhere. It was election day. In the street I saw Condolezza Rice collecting money for some political purpose. I, however, felt very (care)free, not involving myself in anything.

Then, in the centre of the square, I stumbled upon an old lady. She was dressed in a worn-out coat. But above all, she had a monstrous nose, for which she continuously apologized. Somehow, there was an attraction between us and I held her close to me. A true loving embrace! Almost immediately She shouted with joy, pulling off the ugly tip of her nose, throwing it on the street. We embraced and took leave of each other.

Only to discover, that part of her nose was sticking on my brand new immaculate coat. Initially, I was rather disturbed by it. Then, slowly, I learned to overcome my aversion, while continuing my trip through the city.

Mother, I have understood......Friends, isn't it once again a miracle? She, the Universal All-Embracing Womb committing HerSelf to my petty problems?

This morning I was a little sad. While cleaning up my administration, I came across many documents, letters and other correspondence from the past twenty or so years. It reminded me of the difficult side of the Path. Those who have read my autobiography will understand. For example. During my ten years of uninterrupted Bliss, my ego had been completely gone: dissolved into the Eternal Moment. Instead of the ego, a different "wavelength" was ruling my system. The consequence: all kinds of functions, necessary to survive in "normal" life, had been weakend e.g. completely disappeared.

Guess what happened, when I had to enter society, once again. Indeed, I was totally disoriented. Most of my mind functions were floored. I lived against the background of Great Emptiness, while at the same time I had to set up a "normal" living, once again. No wonder, that this went wrong right from the start. So, I started to search for help. Fortunately, friends offered me accomodation, without it I for certain would have landed on the street. Then a period of trial and error started. What to do on this earth? Because Emptiness didn't tell me anything, I started to initiate all kinds of "useful activities".

Only to discover, that they did not persist. They came out of Emptiness and returned to it. I felt like a "lamb", not able to survive in this hostile world. I became really desperate, for I felt "my environment" expecting me "to start something". Increasingly, they didn't understand me. It didn't come as a surprise, because I didn't understand the process I was in, myself. While they confronted me with worldly necessities, I desperately asked the Ultimate about the meaning of my life and my possible role. Hence, misunderstandings e.g. irritations grew by the day*. At last, they were not willing to take my spiritual Path seriously, anymore.**

* I "envied" the Indian saints, who, after having been "discovered" by the village, are given appropriate respect e.g. a small temple and a daily bowl with rice (haha).

** Fortunately, not all friends distanced themselves from me. On the contrary, with some the bonds of friendship were even strengthened.

Going through the documents, I was again confronted with the pain I suffered at that time. It wasn't nice, I assure you. Of course, there was always a sense of Unity in the background. Through which I was able to bear it. One of the worst things is, when even your spiritual friends abandon you. And that is exactly what happened. Suddenly, they showed a different face. What I learned: eventually, everybody decides in favor of his or own interests. But not only that. I also realize the extent of difficulties they had because of me. I cannot blame them for not having understood me. It was me who wasn't able to give them any clarity about the direction of my Path.

So, I disappointed many people and I still feel deeply sorry for that.

Without the Mother I possibly wouldn't have made it.

I feel so incredibly grateful!

January 10, 2000

Part 1

"The Universal Way" is the gate toward a compassionate life. I myself owe everything to it. Why it took so long, before I could lay a new foundation to my life? Because I had to transform myself from somebody who had a limitless need for love.....to one who has a limitless heart for others.....An almost impossible task, believe me!

Obviously, Self-realization is the key to it. It is inclusive. The more Consciousness is extending itself, the more it would embrace existence. The point is, that one isn't always in the Moment. On the contrary: life continuously moves from Unity to the ego and vice-versa.

Hence, there is still some work to do. The ego has to comply with the Self. The former has to be in harmony with the latter. It has to be transformed from a master into a slave. Only then compassion is undivided. It is the key process of spiritual life.*

* Again, if you exclude the personality from spiritual growth, denouncing it as "illusory", then there will never be wholeness in your life. The suppressed ego will time and again disturb your self-image. "What you deny will dominate you".

The 7 Steps of Compassion: to become aware with a direct perception of reality (Awakening, Step 1); to include your thoughts, emotions and desires (Personal Integration, Step 2); to become part of the Whole, once again (Rooted in Heaven & Earth, Step 3); to Realize your True Nature (Breakthrough of the Light, Step 4); to harmonize the ego with the Self (Purification, Step 5); to surrender to the Great Mother (taking refuge, Step 6) and a life with overflowing Compassion and selfless Service (Step 7).

Part 2

Yesterday's dream pierced my soul. I had a very precious feeling about it. Behind my reluctance to give myself away, there is the promised land of compassion. An undefinable longing overpowered me. I realized how much I was attracted by "loosing my self, without expecting anything back". I saw flashes of a world in which love, compassion and joy prevailed. Its gentleness is irresistable.

The dream, therefore, is a real breakthrough. Within it bears a great perspective. It showed me the way to real life. Everything else - money, politics - is irrelevant. Embrace the ones who are in need, the dream says*. Immediately, I had to think of all those people who lead a life dominated by ignorance, stress, pain, greed, depression, fear, illness, self-indulgence, anger, loneliness, despair, meaninglessness, alienation, confusion and burn-out.

* Actually, the ugly old woman was the Mother in disguise!, testing the degree of my compassion.

Only one thing counts: compassion. It is the theme of all great religions. Think of Jesus and St. Francis. Apparently, it is something I still lack....On the other hand, the Mother has still confidence in me, otherwise She wouldn't take the effort to send me this dream (haha). Knowing my slothfulness I accept Her teaching. It is the same theme Parsifal* was confronted with. Only after receiving compasssion, the Fisher King, together with the entire land, got healed.

* The Parsifal Legend is the "Leitmotiv" of my life. See: "Realization" and "Vision of the Grail"

How "accidental". While I still had to complete Step 7 of "The Universal Way" (compassion and service), the Mother was just a little ahead of me (by sending the dream). Hence, it is Her Teaching, not mine. Especially striking is the insight She gave me of true Love. It is symbolized by my stained coat. It won't work without leaving traces. With other words: I have to descend to the people, connecting to their lives, rather than staying in my "ivory tower". This may be obvious to most people, to spiritual teachers this can be an eye-opener, though (haha).

Actually, the dream has been a confirmation, as well. Didn't I spontaneously embrace the woman, after all? Thus, it isn't that bad with me....Sometimes I catch myself doing a low self-esteem. I think I am not worthy, not good enough. It paralyses my actions. I therefore should pay attention to it. Thanks, Mother!

The Mother is really directing my Blog. Please, Mother, may You give me the right inspiration for Blog 3: "Heed the Call", as well.

Part 3

How do you know a dream is a deep, "archetypical" one?. First of all, it is its clarity. It should be such, that it stays in memory for a while. Secondly, it should have its impact on daily life: a substantial change of feeling, mood and behavior. It should give you a (new) guideline in life. Thirdly, this should be visible to others.

This afternoon - after my yesterday's dream - my Being was utterly freed. Everything felt so incredible light. "I" did everything without effort. It seemed "I" had wings. The whole universe was filled with sympathy, without exception. So, totally spontaneous, I imagined embracing everybody I met on the street.

Men and women, fat and slim ones, children and elderly, ugly and beautiful ones, locals and foreigners, "cats and dogs", nobody was excluded. It was so real, that I felt every embrace physically. The surprise: to include every being in my arms was a most natural and above all a very joyful overflowing feeling.

And, you guess it, MeiMei suddenly said to me: "How light you are. According to me, you are totally free rightnow."

I had no words for it and smiled.

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